Family Feud Faux Pas

They say that there's no such thing as a stupid question. I don't know if that's entirely true, but that's a debate for some other time.
~~~~~But one thing I do know for sure, is that are MANY stupid answers. If you don't believe me, try watching The Family Feud sometime. Twenty-five examples follow:

Something you'd find in an operating room
Operator

Something you'd yell at if it stopped working
Spouse

One of the three bears
Yogi

A brand of gasoline
Regular

A man's name beginning with the letter K
Kentucky Fried Chicken

The heaviest item in your house
Spouse

Something you put in tea
Tea bag

A weather term that can also describe your wife
Wet

A department in a supermarket
Lingerie

The most lovable breed of dog
Kitten

Something women borrow from each other
Husbands

A reason you might stay inside on a beautiful day
It's raining

An attraction you see in almost every parade
Merry-go-round

The one thing that the people living near you have that you want
A beautiful wife

Something a hostess does to let her guests know it's time to leave
Goes to bed

Something an Indian chief might use
Squaw

Something that floats in the bathtub
Water

A word beginning with “Egg”
Excellent

An occupation in which you disguise your appearance
Doctor

Something you do before going to bed
Sleep

Something you put on walls
Roofs

A famous bridge
The bridge over troubled waters

Something with claws
Christmas

A card game that's easy to cheat at
Checkers

Something that comes after the word "double"
U

No.126

If It Wasn't A Word Before, It Is Now

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Life After Retirement

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: Why do retirees watch so many reruns on TV?
Answer: Because they don't remember the original airing.

No.125

What Women Want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thusly:

What a woman really wants, she answered ... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ... what is the moral to this story?

- Scroll down -









The moral is --
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly!

Basket Weavers Hotline

(I'm still feeling a little under the weather and as such this post is a duplicate of the post at my other site.)

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

Under no circumstances should you press the number 8. I SAID UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO PRESS THE NUMBER 8!
Since you cannot follow instructions our specially trained personnel are now on the way to your house with a pretty little jacket for you to wear.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my job is done .....Your turn

(Thanks, Earl. I hope you weren't trying to tell me something.)

No.124

Puns, For Better Or For Worse

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Foxworthy on West Virginia

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about West Virginians...

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in West Virginia .

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in West Virginia .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in West Virginia .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in West Virginia .

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Charleston for the Weekend, you may live in West Virginia .

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in West Virginia.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in West Virginia .

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in West Virginia .

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in West Virginia .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in West Virginia .

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in West Virginia .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in West Virginia .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in West Virginia .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in West Virginia .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in West Virginia .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in West Virginia .

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in West Virginia .

From Jeff's Dickshunary

Armageddon - putting oneself in position for action. ("If it gets any crazier around here, Armageddon outta here.")

aspect - having one's backside assaulted by a sharp object. ("He got done skinny-dippin'and passed out on the deck chair and had his aspect by a woodpecker.")

chauffeur - a refereence to a performance. ("There's nekkid girls inside, boys, and I can get you into the chauffeur just two dollars.")

condom - having purposefully swindled a gullible male for personal gain. ("She condom into thinkin' she was on the pill.")

direction - the engorgement of the male sex organ. ("Doc, could you give my Hank here a sample of those little blue pills? Direction ain't what it used to be.")

No.123

Your Southern Star Signs

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. Older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful; they may surprise you. They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't bother me about it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good hands.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are a Collard, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best ~ your friends and loved ones ~ may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, also, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat mating possibility. Not every mole hill has to be a mountain.

Thar Be Engineers in Them Thar Hills

The following appeared at Miss Cellania and I thought it was a good fit here at Verbicidal Tendencies. It is not the first time some of her material has appeared on these pages. Like most of her material, it is classic. I hope you studied.

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a) '66 Ford Fairlane
b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift.How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?



No.122

Marriage Counseling From Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Young Kids and the Sea

Funny Things Kids Wrote About the Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus.It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Helen age 6)

9) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

10) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass.
(Jule age 7)

No.121

Malapropisms With Moxie

I love malapropisms. They always make me smile, and the more blatant they are, the bigger the smile.

- He had to use a fire distinguisher.
- Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.
- Isn't that an expensive pendulum round that man's neck?
- Good punctuation means not to be late.
- He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
- Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
- My sister has extra-century perception.
- "Don't" is a contraption.

Some malapropisms heard out of the mouths of the famous and not-so-famous:

"Your ambition - is that right - is to abseil across the English channel?"
-Cilla Black

"It is beyond my apprehension."
-Danny Ozark, baseball team manager

"Listen to the blabbing brook."
-Norm Crosby

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
-Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

"She's really tough; she's remorseful."
-David Moorcroft

"And then he [Mike Tyson] will have only channel vision."
-Frank Bruno, boxer

"Cardial - as in cardial arrest."
-Eve Pollard

"Marie Scott... has really plummeted to the top."
-Alan Weeks

"He's going up and down like a metronome."
-Ron Pickering

"He's on 90... 10 away from that mythical figure."
-Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator

"Unless somebody can pull a miracle out of the fire, Somerset are cruising into the semi-final."
-Fred Trueman

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
-George W. Bush

"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder."
-Richard Daley, former Chicago mayor

"He was a man of great statue."
-Thomas Menino, Boston mayor

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-Dan Quayle, Vice President

"Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
-Wes Westrum, about a close baseball game

"If Gower had stopped that [cricket ball] he would have decapitated his hand."
-Farokh Engineer

"We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest."
-Valerie Singleton

"This series has been swings and pendulums all the way through."
-Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-Mike Smith, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"It's got lots of installation."
-Mike Smith, describing his new coat

Love, Hillbilly Style

This is not heading down that path of incest and inbreeding. A lot of humor about West Virginians has been directed there. Being a former Hillbilly, I have heard that kind of humor too many times for too long. ( That Deliverance movie sure didn't help. ) I have no shame of my heritage and I have no reason to be.

Nonetheless, Hillbilly humor is colorful and can be compared to Redneck humor in many ways. Jeff Foxworthy has made a nice living with it. Hillbillies are romantics too. Take a gander at a few Valentine's Day greeting cards sent to the wives and girl friends of some Applachian good ol' boys.

You are as warm and cuddly as my old hound dog, Beauregard.

I'd climb mountains for you. I'd swim rivers for you. For you, I would even take a bath.

Next to my pickup, you are the love of my life.

I love those cozy winter nights by the fireplace with all that wood you chopped.

Darling, you make me as hot as those hand dryers in a turnpike restroom.

My love for you runs hotter than a "74 Nova with a V-8 engine and a busted water pump.

Your kisses are sweeter than wine, but without the paper bag.

Hillbillies are warm and cuddly characters also. This can be readily evidenced by the faithful maintenance of not only their pickup trucks, but also their beer bellies.

A Tribute To Beer Bellies


Beer bellies are cool, and a good one will keep Sorority girls from pestering you.

A good one can double as a TV tray for nachos and beer, or for biscuits and gravy.

It is a great way to meet cute Cardiologists.

Beer bellies have a lot room for more tattoos when your arms and back are full.

The belly button can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.

Big beer bellies make the best waves and splashes when you do belly floppers in the pond.

And with a big beer belly, there is more of to love.

As you can see, Hillbillies are lovable and likeable. They live a simple life, but they would have it no other way. They sure don't forget their sweeties on Valentine's Day either, so don't you.

Y'all come back, ya hear?

No.120

More Darwin Awards

These Darwin Awards are, I believe, from 2006, but they're always timeless, always hysterical, no matter what the year is. Darwin Awards are, of course, the annual "Honor" given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #6

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #5

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #4

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length
of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #3

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #2

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.

Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.


And now, the #1 Darwin Award winner:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur Rocket Scientist ... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.

Snooze Busters

Here are the twenty five more of the best responses if found asleep at your desk!

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, do you?!"
21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
9. "I was working smarter-not harder."
8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
7. "I'm in the management training program."
6. "The coffee machine is broken."
5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Its okay. I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

1. "... and I especially want to thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

No.119

Singapour

How could I possibly have passed up another opportunity to tell a story with what I like to call Words Gone Wild? The answer is, I couldn't! I located this bunch of words lurking on a Web site which shall not be named to protect the delicate sensibilities of the guilty, and the story just sort of took shape on its own.


The words

immerging
viablw
derivitive
can't get pass it
disingeniouse
hionest
rewriten
I mive a lot of money
the got hte deal onthe condo through; wide threw em out
campaing
sweeden to singapour
colleg

The story

Vi was a disingeniouse type of girl who just wanted everybody to like her. Hionest. She also just wanted to have some fun. She'd tell her friends, "I mive a lot of money, so I throw a lot of wide parties. The neighbors weren't happy so there was this campaing to the got hte deal onthe condo through; wide threw em out."

After she got thrown out of the condo, she decided to leave colleg and party from Sweeden to Singapour. Her whole life story as it was immerging would have to be rewriten after that one night with the Sweed who was hosting a balloon-animals party and asked for her help. Poor Vi a-blw and she blw, but she couldn't get enough air into the balloons. Instead, she blw 'til she passed out and fell on her hione. She couldn't get pass it, the embarrassment derivitive of her lack of stamina, so she went back to colleg and found a job in a pub which allowed her to sing and pour at the same time.

Sh_t Kickin' Songs to Kick Sh_t To

They're back! Here's some of those crazy Country & Western song titles. Some you've heard and some you ain't!

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

(Pardon Me) I've Got Someone To Kill

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long

I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

You're A Cross I Can't Bear

It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me

I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

Heaven's Just A Sin Away

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

Touch Me With More Than Your Hands

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

The Last Word In Lonesome Is "Me"

Do You Love As Good As You Look

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite

When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)

My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You

You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

And There Was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?
He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk!

Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You that I Love You When You Know I've Been a Liar All My Life?



No.118

Literary Desperado

This mess of misspelled words comes direct from a repeat offender, a literary pretender -- a serial word desecrator. I mean, seriously, how seriously can you take a "serious writers' site" which advertises itself as sponsered by something or other? This is not even a typo; this is a consistent spelling from this literary Visigoth. The ignominy of it!

I beleive -- I have no clue, but I do believe grownups playing "Author: The Role Playing Game" should know better.

seperated -- You see this common mistake rather often among the unlettered; however, shouldn't a "writer" who proffers advice and presumes to teach other writers know how to spell such a simple word?

luducrous -- A crusty Luddite, no doubt.

reservor -- I think that, given the context in which it was used, this refers to a reservoir of some sort, but it could just as well be some tennis malapropism. Or, considering the source, au revoir.

preverted justice -- I just adore it when preverts, i.e., those who verted before, get theirs.

vise versa -- We're guessing this is some new-fangled gadget found in the Renaissance man's tool shop. It is perhaps a trendy, must-have item on the Versailles of workbenches.

Not Much Ado About Something

They say that the human mind is like an open book. Imagine my chagrin to find mine has blank pages! That would suggest that if I were to speak my mind, I would have nothing to say.

What then can one talk about, when one has nothing to say?

Consider the proverbial tree in the forest; if it falls and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If I were to post an article about something and no one was to read it, wouldn't it follow that nothing was read? Conversely, and herein lies a conundrum, if I were to post about nothing and someone was to read it, how is it that something was read? Or was it?

When asked to speak one's mind, how is this possible when one's mind is blank? Can one talk about nothing? It is said that politicians can speak at length without saying anything. Is it really possible to say something, and yet say nothing? Surely, in this case, nothing is something. Isn't it?

There must be something to nothing. After all, we hear nothing all the time. When an athletic team is shut out, they scored nothing. Isn't that something? "Hey buddy, got a fiver I can borrow?" "Sorry mate, my pockets are empty." But wait, don't pockets have insides? Now that's something!

Even Shakespeare wrote "Much Ado About Nothing." Curiously, there was something about that piece of work. There must nothing in something; if not then nothing is nothing.

I'm glad this makes sense to no one because I know nothing of the something I am talking about, because I have absolutely nothing to talk about. Something about nothing has just got to better than nothing about something. Don't you agree?

However, if this makes sense to someone, then they know something of the nothing that I don't know what I am talking about. That means they would know exactly as much as I know. Nothing!

Now, isn't that something?

Since, I have nothing to say about something, or anything for that matter, I will say nothing until I think of something to say.

I think the Blues Magoos said it best: We Ain't Got Nothing Yet..."

No.117

Warped Words

For some reason, this batch of misspelled words found on a message board which shall not be named really set off my giggle trigger. What else could I do but ... define them?

severly faded - Something that's not only faded but cut off.

suddlenly - State of being awash in a sea of suds.

euphimisim - Feminism for eunuchs.

taged - Something tagged with a tage, whatever that is.

steped - Education for stepchildren.

funcitions, funcitons - Directions to Funky Town.

aquired - Red water.

spirtual - A religious gushing of liquids.

defination - An absolutely definite deafening detonation.

opportinuity - A continuum of opportunities.

vulernale - Your guess is as good as mine. Some obscure sea creature perhaps? Nails on a... Nah, couldn't be.

ablity - One who is giddy with ability -- and probably washed up for it first.

This is Your Brain on Blog

Here's a few brain teasers for you to ponder:

(1) Where can anyone sit but you?

(2) Why would a cleaning person prefer to wash a mirror that a window of the same size, assuming they both are easily accessible?

(3) How can you throw a ball so it will reverse directions and return to you without the ball bouncing against or touching any solid object?

(4) Your bed and light switch are 15 feet apart. Without using any object or mechanical device -- no pole, no remote switch -- how can you turn of the light and get into bed before the room is dark?

(5) Rusty's cabin Montana is buried in snow, and the temperature is 25 below zero. Rusty's eyes move from the single match he has in his hand to a candle, an oil lamp and a fireplace with kindling -- all ready to be lit. Which does he light first?

(6) What common mechanized transports in New York City (120,000 of them) carry three times as many passengers daily as all the city's subways, trains, buses, cars and taxis combined?

(7) Why didn't William Howard Taft run for a third term as President?

(8) What is cowhide chiefly used for?

(9) Can you rearrange these letters into one long word: "doornonegwl?"

(10) If Betsy Ross were alive today, what would she be most noted for?

(answers appear below)

Can you provide the missing word/words to these well-known proverbs?

(1) ______________ nothing gained.

(2) ______________ breaks the camel's neck.

(3) ______________ run deep.

(4) ______________ a sinking ship.

(5) ______________ catches the worm.

(6) ______________ is in the eating.

(7) ______________ is money.

(8) ______________ die hard.

(9) ______________ serves two masters.

(answers appear below)

Just a thought: Committee -- A group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide nothing can be done.

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science, tentatively named "Administratium."
--Adminisrtatium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of peons. (From Readers Digest)

Answers:

Brain teasers:

1) - Your lap
2) - a mirror has only one side
3) - throw the ball straight up in the air
4) - go to bed during daylight
5) - the match
6) - elevators
7) - he was never elected to 2nd term
8) - for holding cows together
9) - "one long word"
10) - her age; she would be oldest living person

Proverbs:

1) - Nothing ventured
2) - The last straw
3) - Still waters
4) - Rats desert
5) - The early bird
6) - The proof of the pudding
7) - Time
8) - Old habits
9) - No man

No.116