Verbicidal Tendencies

Cowpokin' and Jokin'

2010-01-26T17:43:00.001-05:00

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

The World According to Larry

2009-11-16T14:51:00.000-05:00

Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

The Pet Chronicles

2009-10-09T23:43:00.003-04:00

Cat’s Diary
Day 683 of my captivity.
-My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

-They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

-Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. Had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. The audacity!

-There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

-Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

-I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously mentally challenged!

-The bird has to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captives have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe……. for now….

Dog’s Diary
8:00 am: Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am: A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am: A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm: Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm: Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm: Wow! Watched TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

№ 223

Cletis Clyde's Words of Healin' and Doctorin'

2009-07-22T00:26:00.000-04:00

Cletis Clyde, here. Y'all knows me as a redneck and a hillbilly. People sometimes look down at us thinking us to be indignorant. Tarnation! They think we don't know much of nothin'! Well, I might have to take my clod hoppers off to count all the kinfolk I got that ain't got past the seventh grade, but I sure enough know all they is to knows about fancy medicine words.

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.

Colic............................A sheep dog.

Coma...........................A punctuation mark.

D&C............................Where Washington is.

Dilate...........................To live long.

Enema..........................Not a friend.

Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula...........................A small lie.

G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.

Node...........................I knew it.

Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.............A letter carrier.

Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.......................Damn near killed him.

Secretion.....................Hiding something

Seizure........................Roman emperor.

Tablet.........................A small table.

Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor..........................More than one.

Urine..........................Opposite of mine.

Varicose......................Near by/close by

№ 222

...And They Didn't Get the Jobs!

2009-07-09T00:06:00.002-04:00

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Wine Not?

2009-06-09T10:36:00.005-04:00

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

-9. Grape Expectations

-8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"

-7. NASCARbernet

-6. Chef Boyardeaux

-5. Peanut Noir

-4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

-2. World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...

-1. Nasti Spumante

A SICK Wino Cartoon

№ 221

If It's Dirty - It's Not Porn

2009-05-08T18:18:00.005-04:00

The cartton image above and the following list were "borrowed" from C .

"Porno Movie Titles Of The Day

Remember The Tightun's

Diddle-Her On The Roof

The DaVinci Load

Schindler's Fist

All About Steve

Splendor In The Ass

Lawrence Of A Labia

Jurassic Pork

How Stella Got Her Tube Packed

Who's Eating Gilbert's Grapes?

Saturday Night Beaver

Yank My Doodle, It’s a Dandy

Add Momma To The Train

Sorest Rump

Ordinary Peepholes

Inspect Her Gadget

Dirty (And) Hairy

The Sexth Sense

Peeing John Malkovich

Total Reball

The Man Who Blew Too Much

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Good Will Humping

The Sperminator

Jack/Off

Field of Creams

Bend Hur

Rear and Pleasant Danger

Bright Lights, Big Titties

Inrearentrance Day

Will He Bonk Ya In The Chocolate Factory

Sperms of Endearment

Wandhi

Eat Me In St. Louis

Das Booty

Dog-Style Afternoon

Fleshdance

Mr. Holland's Anus

In Diana Jones At The Temple Of Poon

Passenger 69

Tail In Two Cities

Tits, A Wonderful Life

Shanghai Poon

Buttman Forever

Edward Penishands

My Bare Lady

Sex Trek: The Next Penetration

For Your Thighs Only

The Bootyguard

Rosemary's Booby

Tailiens

Bi-curious George

What Reams May Come

Done In 60 Seconds

There's Something In and Out of Mary

Face Jam

Tittylickers & Tittylickers 2

The Legend In Bagger’s Pants

Gang Bangs Of New York

On Golden Blonde

Rambone

The Loin King

The Wadfather

E.T.: The Extra Testicle

Creamer vs. Creamer

Assablanca

Pokahotass

Bangin’ In The Rain

GladHeAteHer

Throbbin' Wood

Spanking 12 Monkeys

Big Trouble in Little Vagina

Moulin Spooge

You've Got Tail

Woodfellas

The Spooge-itive

Snatch Adams

Phallus In Bunderland

Hung Wankenstein

101 Fellations

Itty Bitty Gang Bang"

Hallmark Sends the Very best

2009-03-31T00:37:00.000-04:00

Some cards that you'll never see Hallmark sell:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the f_ _ _ was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'till I met you."

"As the days go by, everyday I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"Thanks for being part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take the knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday!You look great for your age.....Almost lifelike!"

"When we were together you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew that day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!!" (Available only in Kentucky!)

№ 220

Worty Dirds

2009-03-25T00:06:00.000-04:00

A while back, Bilbo posted about words that sound dirty - but aren't. His words:

1. Shittah

2. Prickmadam

3. Titular

4. Dickey Grind/Nasty Grind

5. Cockchafer

6. Horehound

7. Cooter

8. Hand Organ

9. Uvula

10. Assagai

11. Niggard

I thought about and came up with a few more.

kumquat

shiitake

beefeater

hoar/hoarfrost

box lunch

cockloft

cockpit

cockboat

Men & Women - Dog Gone It!

2009-02-28T22:55:00.001-05:00

The following was "borrowed" from Phils Phun.

How Dogs and Women are the Same:

Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.

How Dogs and Men are the Same:

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood. (Huh? Is that a gay joke?)
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

№ 219

Toaster Processors

2009-02-22T19:22:00.001-05:00

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 wouldweigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

№ 218

Proverbs: The Way Kids See 'Em

2009-01-31T02:43:00.006-05:00

Don't change horses.....until they stop running.

Strike while the.....bug is close.

It's always darkest before.....Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of.....termites.

You can lead a horse to water, but.....how?

Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.

No news is.....impossible.

A miss is good as a.....Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new.....math.

Love all, trust.....Me.

The pen is mightier than the.....pigs.

An idle man is.....the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.....pollution.

Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents.

A penny saved is.....not much.

Two's company, three's.....The Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry.....you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as.....Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box.

When the blind lead the blind.....get out of the way.

A bird in the hand.....is going to poop on you.

Better late than.....pregnant.

№

And Still Champion !

2009-01-24T20:46:00.006-05:00

The following have been around for sometime. I "borrowed" this collection from Judy over at Imagine.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
--------------------- --------- ---

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

Yes, I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

My wife said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Well! Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ---

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....
----------- --------- --------- ---

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap, That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom
and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....
----------- - --------- --------- ---

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, got the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ....
------------ --------- --------- ---

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....
----------- - --------- --------- ---

№ 216

Eekonmics Lexicon

2009-01-19T00:02:00.001-05:00

eekonomics - n., (eek-uh-nom-iks) the study of dwindling finances during a state of recession; usually accompanied by inconsolable screams.

The current state of the "eek-onomy" has the country in the deepest state of recession since the failure of Reaganomics. Some would even say that we are on the doorstep of a depression. I wouldn't go as far as taking that fatalistic approach, but I have to admit that it is depressing.

You know, the sad state of the "eek-onomy" can be felt by nearly everyone, but not everyone is affected in the same way or to the same degree. Not straying from that topic, I have come to the conclusion that our dictionaries should be updated to reflect the various degrees of "eek-onomic" stresses the populace faces.

I have already taken the liberty to add "eekonomics" and "eekonomy" as more accurate alternatives to the more familiar but now arcane words, 'economics' and 'economy.'

What follows is a list of some other new words and their definitions which are intended to reflect the varying degrees of how Americans are feeling the squeeze.

beakonomics - n.,(beek-uh-nom-iks) unable to afford food as one has been accustomed, hence eating like a bird.

birdienomics - n., (bird-ee-nom-iks) when eekonomy is so bad that a paycheck is better served lining the bird cage.

bleakonomics - n., (bleek-uh-nom-iks) the perception that the eekonomy will only worsen.

bleeponomics - n., (bleep-uh-nom-iks) a state when the eekonomy is so bad only expletives deleted can be used to describe it.

DConomics - n., (dee-cee-uh-nom-iks) the Government's spin given on the state of the eekonomy, regardless of the conditions.

dekeonomics - n., (deek-uh-nom-iks) feigning, faking one's liquid assets, usually in attempt to keep up with the Joneses.

fleeconomics - n., (flee-kuh-nom-iks) moving operations to an area where less taxation exists, usually another country where cheap labor can be used (also known as outsourcing).

funnynomics - n., (fun-ee-nom-iks) when the value of the dollar is a near equivalent to that of the play money in a board game.

geekonomics - n., (geek-uh-nom-iks) regardless of credit card balances, maintaining only the best state-of-the-art electronic equipment.

greekonomics - n., (greek-uh-nom-iks) when the withholding taxes from a paycheck have payees feeling like they have just visited a proctologist.

hide-go-seek-onomics - n., (hyde-go-seek-uh-nom-iks)when deep in debt, the practice of not answering telephones, not answering doors and not responding to past-due bills in attempts to avoid creditors.

kittynomics - n., (kit-ee-nom-iks) similar to birdienomics; instead paycheck is shredded for use in cat's litter box.

life-of-riley-nomics - n., (life-uv-rye-lee-nom-iks) known only to those who are so f**king rich, they don't care what the eekonomy is like.

mikeynomics - n., (my-kee-nom-iks) when splurging for a fancy meal consists of Life cereal; you like it, but you can't afford it.

paternitynomics - n., (puh-turn-uh-tee-nom-iks) when child support payments paid out exceed the moneys coming in.

saraleenomics - n., (sair-uh-lee-nom-iks) celebrating birthdays and anniversaries with cakes from the frozen foods case.

sealynomics - n., (see-lee-nom-iks) not trusting banks, thus keeping money under one's mattress.

sheikanomics - n., (sheek-uh-nom-iks) living in an oil-dependent eekonomy that allows fat men smoking water pipes to maintain posh harems.

shittynomics - n., (shit-ee-nom-iks) Kind of speaks for itself, doesn't it?

There you have it, a list of new words to describe the many sides of a recession. But wait, the government is still trying to put into effect - socialsecuritynomics:

№ 215

Inner City Vocabulary

2009-01-08T21:15:00.005-05:00

INNER CITY VOCABULARY

HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOR ROLL.

PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

OMELET - Every time I start a new job, OMELET go after a week.

STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"

COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"

FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

№ 214

Love Is...

2009-01-01T21:18:00.003-05:00

A group of young kids were asked to define love. Alist of some of their responses follows:

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby, 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka, 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica, 8

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy, 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri, 4

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca, 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy, 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl, 5

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny, 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily, 8

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday." Noelle, 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy, 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy, 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare, 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine, 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris, 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann, 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren, 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen, 7

№ 213

Psychology of the Oreo Cookie

2008-12-24T22:33:00.000-05:00

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos.

1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time.

3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards.

4. In little feverish nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee, etc.).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing

This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree, with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time.

You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical.

You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with everything you do to the point of being anal-retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going the speed limit.

4. Feverish Nibbles.

Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked.

Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugarcoat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity toward narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.

You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.

You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's okay, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them

Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help -- immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way; I don't like Oreo cookies.

You probably come from a rich family and like to wear nice things and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

№ 212

And Just What What Were you Thinking?

2008-12-09T00:02:00.003-05:00

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it
between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It
became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and
began gushing out of the tip.

*Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.*

I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do
it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me. He
put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He
finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that it was over.

*I hate neckties.*

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I
wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look
into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

*But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.*

I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled
straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased
myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up
and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.

*Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and
white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it
faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There
it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.

*And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

№ 211

Country Songs - Reprise

2008-12-05T00:36:00.002-05:00

TOP COUNTRY SONGS

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

11. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And The No. 1 Favorite Country Song Is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

№ 210

I'm Dreamin' of a Redneck Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T00:06:00.003-05:00

(The following text and cartoons were "borrowed" from Miss Cellania.)

It's a Redneck Thanksgiving - If...

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

№ 209

Harmony in the Economy

2008-11-17T21:10:00.002-05:00

Stock Market Terminology
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and
Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later this year.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R Grace Co. will merge and become ~~ Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Saltines join forces and become ~~ Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become ~~ MMM Good.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Defasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become ~~ ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become ~ ~ FedUp.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become~~Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become ~~
Knott NOW.

8. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name~~
TittytittyBangBang.

9. Simplicity Patterns and publishing giant Simon & Schuster will be known as~~Simple Simon

10. A merger of the Bush Bean Co. and Maria Callendar Foods will produce~~Same Shit Different Day

№ 208

Literary License

2008-11-13T00:08:00.002-05:00

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the bunch:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

№ 207

Political Lexicon

2008-11-03T00:06:00.002-05:00

The long and torturous campaign road that began two years ago will culminate tomorrow when America goes to the polls. Those two years provided a plethora of new words for the English language.

The following is a list of some of these new words to add to your vocabulary:

Acornucopia - the many new voters, fictional, living and deceased recruited to vote

Chicklets - potential female voters

Diarrhedundant - the same old bullshit

D'ohbama - Homer Simpson's cry when he voted for Obama by mistake

Eaubama - Obama's favorite cologne

Exxonerate - to ignore the huge profits of a corporation in spite of the populace struggling to make ends meet

Haymacker - a strong verbal assault against McCain

Hickocrites - rednecks who answer polls in support of one candidate, but vote for another instead

Intrussian - the act of spying on another country from one's front porch

Lenoency - restraint shown by Tonight Show in telling jokes about candidates

Lip-o-suction - French kissing a pig

Macropolis - one the homes McCain couldn't name

Macingosh - exclamatory remark to a stupid McCain statement

Obamaflage - the ability to deny the whereabouts of family members

Palindrome - Words spoken by Sarah Palin, that even when read backward, still make no sense

Polithongs - Sarah Palin's campaigning underwear

Racist - anyone who says anything negative about Barack Obama

Saragraph - a group of words and sentences uttered by Sarah Palin that make no sense

Sarahindipity - saying something that is correct and makes sense by accident and by mistake

Succupulant - one who supports a candidate they lost to in primaries, in hopes of landing a cushy cabinet job

Tomf*ckery - extreme form of tomfoolery

№ 206

You Could Hear a Pin Drop

2008-10-28T19:45:00.000-04:00

I received the following in an e-mail from Skunkfeathers. If you are tired of politics as usual and are proud of your country, like me, you will like these:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by
the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has
sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is
enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard
the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to
Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their
drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
anguages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

If you are proud, pass this on!
If not delete it.

No.205

Chicken Jumper

2008-10-24T19:51:00.000-04:00

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window.

The notice said "We sell everything".

Paddy could not believe this so he went inside.

He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".

The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.

So away he went as happy as a lark. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag.

At the bottom of the bag was a single condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the salesperson, "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

No.204

How Do You Measure Up?

2008-10-20T00:07:00.003-04:00

Do you have difficulty converting measurements? The following list might not help you pass a mathematics exam, but it could register a few laughs on the humor gauge.

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

500 millinaries = 1 seminary

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

2.71828 grams of turd = 1 natural log

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

2000 British Troops in Ireland = 2 kilohenry

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

3.14159 dates with an Italian girl = 1 Pizanno

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

1 trillion grams of brown marijuana = 1 Terracotta pot

1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologues = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

No.203

Geography Exam

2008-10-16T00:02:00.001-04:00

These are supposedly answers to grade school and high school geography exams. Whether that's true or not, they are plenty funny!

The people of Japan ride around in jig-saws.

The plains of Siberia are roamed over by the lynx and the larynx.

Lindberg is the capital of Germany.

The chief animals of Australia are the kangaroo, larkspur, boomerang, and peccadillo.

Germany is an industrial country because the poor have nothing else to do, so they make lots and lots of factories.

Where is Alaska? Alaska is not in Canada.

Spain's national music is the cascarets.

What people live in the Po Valley? Po people.

In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.

The Alimentary Canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.

When we cross the Hudson River we come to the United States.

Where is the greater part of Europe? In New York.

The principal export of Sweden is hired girls.

The Indian squabs carry porpoises on their backs.

Among the enduring remains of Egyptian civilization are pyramids and obsequies.

Rome had a fine defensive position, being seven miles from the mouth of the Tiger.

The seaport of Athens is Pyorrhea.

In what general direction to the rivers of France flow? From the source to the mouth.

Manhattan island was bought from the Indians for about $24, and now I don't suppose you could buy it for $500.

The United States are mostly populated by people.

The State of Virginia was named for the Virgin Mary, who afterward married Captain John Smith.

What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean.

Canadians raise boll weevils for their wool.

Where is Cincinnati? First place in the National League.

Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.

Denver is just below the 'o' in Colorado.

They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow.

The benefit of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him.

Virginia is the mother of President Wilson and is also noted for her hysterical sights.

The chief products of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall.

Philistines were inhabitants of the Philippine Islands.

The original tribes of Central America were the Axtecs, the Celts, and the Morons.

New Zealand is a democratic country. they passed a law there preventing women from sweating in the factories.

Malays are brown generally and inhabit Malaria.

The Kaffirs of Africa are a very savage race. In times of war they beat their tum-tums and can be heard for miles around.

The American Indians travel in birchbark canoes on little streams of water that they make themselves.

The state flower of Colorado is the concubine.

The soil of Prussia was so poor that the people had to work hard just to stay on top.

The Mason line is the line running north of the Equator and the Dixon line is south.

In the west, farming is done mostly by irritating the land.

There is a great deal of nothing in the center of Australia.

Asked to name six animals peculiar to Arctic regions, a boy replied, "Three bears and three seals."

Climate lasts all the time, but weather lasts only a few days.

Latitude tells how hot you are and longitude tells how cold you are.

The Menai Straits are crossed by a tubercular bridge.

Sienna is famous for being burnt.

The climate of Bombay is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The sun never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.

The trade of Spain is small, owing to the insolence of the people.

The Eskimos are God's frozen people.

The sun sets in the west and hurries around to the east to be in time to rise the next morning.

Name three animals peculiar to frigid regions. The lion and the giraffe and the elephant are peculiar to frigid regions, but the polar bear and the seal and the walrus live there.

Glaciers spread a murrain over the land.

The highest peak in the Alps is the Blanc Mange.

The Equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth and through Africa.

Imports are ports very far inland.

Nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan is Chicago.

The chief occupation of Perth is Dying.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes.

An Indian Reservation consists of a mile of land for every five square Indians.

The only signs of life in the Tundra are a few stunned corpses.

Among the islands of the West Indies are the Pyjamas, noted for their toilet sponges.

Lipton is the capital of Ceylon.

The population of London is a bit too thick.

Persian cats is the chief industry of Persia, hence the word purr.

The Mediterranean and the Red Seas are connected by the Sewage Canal.

New York is behind Greenwich time because America was not discovered until very much later.

Henry VIII had an abyss on his knee which made walking difficult.

Certain areas of Egypt are cultivated by irritation.

Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British Governor lives there.

A watershed is a shed in the middle of the ocean where ships shelter during a storm.

No.202

As the Stomach Turns

2008-10-14T00:05:00.002-04:00

(I "borrowed" the following text, but I forgot from whom and where. If you know its source, let me know and I will add the necessary credit.)

A Rule-Of-Thumb Guide on What to Pitch and What to Save

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled.

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you OPEN them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

No.201

Sex and Calories

2008-10-10T00:16:00.001-04:00

The following is from the archives of It Occurred To Me and was posted on 4/11/08.

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX! *

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent
12 Calories

Without her consent
2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands
8 Calories

With one hand
12 Calories

With your teeth
485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection
6 Calories

Without an erection
3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary
12 Calories

69 lying down
78 Calories

69 standing up
812 Calories

Wheelbarrow
216 Calories

Doggy Style
326 Calories

Italian chandelier
2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real
112 Calories

Fake
1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging
18 Calories

Getting up immediately
36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately
816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:

20-29 years -36 Calories

30-39 years -80 Calories

40-49 years -124 Calories

50-59 years -1,972 Calories

60-69 years -7,916 Calories

70 and over -Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly..
32 Calories

In a hurry
98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door
5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door
13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD

Right now, as you read this,

69 Million Americans are having SEX!

And you're on the computer!!!

No.200

A Pun In the Breadbasket

2008-10-08T00:11:00.000-04:00

Here's another piece borrowed from: How Now Blue Cow

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker,

but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because

it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder

and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,

a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,

he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was

a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults:

Practice safe sects!

These People Were Elected?

2008-10-06T00:09:00.001-04:00

From: How Now Blue Cow Entries to this site are posted by Jack.

DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.'' Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's ! not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description n your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane20to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times. and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

a Few Lines of One-Liners

2008-10-02T00:02:00.001-04:00

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Give pizza chants.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
I have the body of a god... Buddha!
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

No.199

Revamping English

2008-09-30T00:05:00.000-04:00

The following was posted by Hoss. I don't know if it is his original work, but it is very clever and is certainly good fodder for Verbicidal Tendencies.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would make the new language to become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". This will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which has always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasfl and it should go away. The "a" in words speled with "ea" will be dropd; we ned not fer it.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z", and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and "eo", and so after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a unitd urop vil finali kum tru. Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German, like zey vuntd in ze first plas.

If zis mad yu smil, ples pas on to oza pepl.

Unmasking Canines and Felines

2008-09-26T00:09:00.001-04:00

CATS AND DOGS: Defined

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.
-------------------------------------------------------

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.
-------------------------------------------------------

No.198

Fractured Factoids

2008-09-24T00:06:00.002-04:00

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you've got their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

No.197

Generation Gap

2008-09-22T00:03:00.001-04:00

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, and…," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"

The applause was deafening!

No.196

The Perfect Man

2008-09-18T00:01:00.001-04:00

Male Professions Preferred by Women

1. Doctor. Because he says, "Take off your clothes."

2. Dentist. Because he says, "Open Wide."

3. Hairdresser. Because he asks, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

4. Milkman. Because he asks, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

5. Interior Decorator. Because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

6. Banker. Because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

7. Police Officer. Because he says, "Spread 'em."

8. Mailman. Because he always delivers his package.

9. Pilot. Because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. Hunter. Because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.

No.195

World's Easiest Quiz

2008-09-16T00:07:00.001-04:00

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

(Do NOT cheat by looking at the answers.)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named afte r what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purp le finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

No.194

Male Talk - Part III

2008-09-12T00:08:00.002-04:00

Insider's Guide to Common Male Vocabulary - Part III

"You expect too much from me."
Translation: You want me to stay awake?

"That's women's work."
Translation: It's difficult, dirty and thankless.

"You know how bad my memory is."
Translation: I remember the theme song to "Rocky V," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself; it's no big deal."
Translation: I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

"I do help around the house."
Translation: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Translation: I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.

"I can't find it."
Translation: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

"What did I do this time?"
Translation: What did you catch me doing?

"I heard you."
Translation: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

"You look terrific."
Translation: Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.

"I missed you."
Translation: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper.

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translation: I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.

"We share the housework."
Translation: I make the messes, you clean them up.

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Translation: You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck.

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Translation: I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.

Male Talk - Part II

2008-09-10T00:02:00.002-04:00

Insider's Guide to Common Male Vocabulary - Part II

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?

I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?

Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you "really" love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now.

I have something to tell you. = Get tested.

I'll give you a call. = I would rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you. = Next!

"Can I help with dinner?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Translation: I have no idea how it works.

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Translation: The batteries in the remote are dead.

"We're going to be late."
Translation: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

"Take a break, honey. You're working too hard."
Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

'That's interesting, dear."
Translation: Are you still talking?

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Translation: I forgot our anniversary again.

No.192

Male Talk - Part I

2008-09-08T00:03:00.004-04:00

Insider's Guide to Common Male Vocabulary - Part I

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.

I'm a Romantic. = I'm poor.

I need you. = My hand is tired.

I am different from all the other guys. = I am not circumcised.

I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation.

You're the only girl I've ever cared about. = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.

I really want to get to know you better. = So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it. = Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.

She's kinda cute. = I want to have sex with her till I am blue.

I don't know if I like her. = She won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much. = I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood.

No.191

Hillbilly Metaphors

2008-09-04T22:20:00.003-04:00

HILLYBILLY METAPHORS

"It's hotter today than, two gerbils humping in a wool sock!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"That boy is dumber than a box of hair."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"Gooder than grits."
"If something is really thin, it's "fine as frog's hair."
"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Someone who is bothersome is "like a booger you can't thump off."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Uglier than a bucket of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead"
"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws, as a hair in a biscuit."

"That boy's oak tree is short a few acorns."

Hope Your Day Is Prettier
Than A Spring Filly, Sweeter Than A Peach
And Hotter Than A Fireball!

No.190

What I Learned From Elvis' Music

2008-09-02T00:09:00.001-04:00

(From (Phils Phun)- 8/16/08)

SOME people follow Confucius, others swear by the philosophical insights of Plato or Sartre.

Why not instead study the songs of Elvis Presley?

Taken as a whole, they contain everything from handy tips about geography

("a river flows surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis has cheap accommodation), right through to religious instruction ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like Eve").

Today, on the anniversary of Elvis's death, it may be time to codify that knowledge.

Herewith the 30 things I've learned about life from listening to Elvis.

TRAVEL

1. The typical train is 16 carriages long.

2. All food in Germany consists of hasenpfeffer and black pumpernickel.

3. The Heartbreak Hotel is located at the end of Lonely Street and its desk clerk dresses in black.

4. Hula dancers are best judged by their ability to really move that grass around.

5. A harem in the Middle East contains 20 women.

6. So efficient is the US postal service that it will return an unwanted letter within 24 hours of its initial posting

.7. There are few sounds that make you feel more lonely than that of the midnight train.

8. If hitchhiking, it's hard to choose a better destination than Memphis Tennessee.

RELATIONSHIPS

1. When inviting a young woman to dance, you may increase your chances by noting that chicken is being served in the barn.

2. If rejected by the older sister in a family, by all means have a crack at her little sister, who may have matured more than you at first noticed.

3. Women named Marie are naturally duplicitous.

4. It's OK to date your cousin, providing she's a distant cousin "but not too distant with you".

5. Girls named Daisy tend to drive you crazy.

6. If caught without a partner during a dance at a federal penitentiary, why not try dancing with a wooden chair?

7. Conversation with a girlfriend can become tiresome if she fails to break up the conversation every now and then with a little action

.8. A .44-calibre pistol is an excellent firearm choice for a woman whose partner was doin' her wrong.

PERSONAL GROOMING

1. If wearing suede shoes, particularly of a light hue, one should make their protection one's No. 1 priority, even above that of preventing arson attacks on one's own home.

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

1. There are few looks in life more intense than that of a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.

2. A passionate kiss can be measured by the fact that even a team of wild horses would be unable to drag apart the two participants.

3. The embrace of a grizzly bear provides a useful point of comparison when considering the pressure necessary to demonstrate real passion during an affair.

4. A good hound dog should be able to catch a rabbit.

GEOGRAPHY

1. People are more likely to be alone during a blue moon than during any other lunar event.

2. In the state of Kentucky, precipitation usually occurs when a man is hitchhiking from town to town, having been abandoned by his baby.

MEDICAL

1. The lips of attractive women tend to taste like breakfast spread, in particular honey.

2. A temperature of 109 is quite common during the early stages of an affair.

3. The experience of love, especially early in life, can have serious medical consequences including sensations of itching, hand tremors, leg spasms, heart palpitations and language difficulties.

HISTORY

1. American soldiers were unable to approach young women in Germany in the period after the war, as local women wore signs in German saying, "Keepen Sie Off The Grass."

PHILOSOPHY

1. Children born in disadvantaged areas such as ghettos should receive special assistance as this reduces the likelihood of them turning to a life of crime, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of disadvantage

.2. A rabbit's foot, while widely considered a creator of good luck, makes only a moderate contribution to one's happiness compared to the impact of finding a good life partner.

3. If you suspect someone is evil check their middle name because it may well be "Misery".

Now, show me one passage in Plato, Sartre or Confucius

that can match all of that for depth, width and wisdom.

I've lived my life by it, how about you?

RIP Elvis, the King.

The Sun Also Sets

2008-08-16T22:09:00.006-04:00

Like my partner in verbal crime, Serena Joy, before me I need to take a break from this site. A number of factors have played into this decision, not the least of which is trying to keep up with multiple blogs.

The decline in readership was worth considering of course, but that can be attributed to the fact that is summertime, and people do have lives beyond their computers and the Internet.

I have been resorting to using a lot of "borrowed" material lately, as well as combing for reprints of archival material. There has not been much new under the sun.

Perhaps the chemist above can mix his chemicals and come up with formulae for fresh material for when Verbicidal Tendencies returns.

No.189

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books

2008-08-14T00:07:00.002-04:00

The Cat in the Blender
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
Fox in Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the &@#* Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches

No.188

Redneck Spell Checker

2008-08-13T00:06:00.001-04:00

This has been around the net for some time. I guess it's overdue to make an appearance here at VT. (It is the approved Spell Checker endorsed by President George W. Bush.)

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

No.187

Friends Don't Let Drunk Friends Talk

2008-08-11T00:05:00.004-04:00

Things Difficult to Say When Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things Very Difficult to Say When Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constituionality
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstaniate

Things Impossible to Say When Drunk

-1. No thanks, I'm married.
-2. Nope, no more booze for me.
-3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
-4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
-5. Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
-6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
-7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
-8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination.
-9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

No.186

Stranded

2008-08-06T00:08:00.000-04:00

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

No.185

The Modern Woman

2008-08-05T00:38:00.000-04:00

Men, be afraid, very very afraid

Behind every successful woman is herself

Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels

A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career

So many men, so few who can afford me

Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich

Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time

Do not start with me. You will not win

All stressed out and no one to choke

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

And last but not least:

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen

No.184

Word Challenge & Thin Books

2008-08-04T00:44:00.002-04:00

The Washington Post asked its readers to combine two words beginning with a letter from S to Z and create a new word. Here are some of the favorites:

Shishkabul: Grilling prisoners in Afghanistan.

Slothario: A man who lures women to bed just to sleep.

Spamputate: To delete the entire junk mail file.

Sudafederales: Brave agents who protect our nation from foreign cold remedies.

Viagrarian: A farmer who can plow the land for four hours without stopping to rest.

Worshippodrome: A megachurch.

Wiretapestry: The drapes in the FBI building.

The World's Thinnest Books

26. UNDERARM SHAVING TECHNIQUES - by National Organization of Women, France
25. DRIVING SKILLS- distributed by the Embassy of the People's Republic of China
24. BIRTH CONTROL METHODS - by the Catholic Church
23. JEWISH BOOK OF PORK DISHES - by Rabbi David Rosen
22. WARS WE HAVE WON - by the German Republic
21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
14. HOW TO SAY NO TO A YOUNG BOY - by the Catholic Priests Association
13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1. FRENCH WAR HEROES - by Jacques Chirac

And my favorite...

WORDS I CAN PRONOUNCE - George W. Bush

No.183

Medical Dictionary For Blondes

2008-08-01T00:06:00.001-04:00

BLONDE TERMINOLOGY

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coat hook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small bottle of Tab Diet Soda
Terminal Illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumor -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

Insults For A Rainy Day

2008-07-31T01:31:00.000-04:00

THE LAST SAY

* A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
* Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
* Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
* Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
* Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
* Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure.
* Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
* Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from you ass.
* He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
* Her mouth is dirtier than a rubber toilet seat.
* I bet you get bullied a lot.
* I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving.
* I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
* I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
* I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.

* I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
* I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
* I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
* I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
* I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
* I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
* I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
* If I want shit from you, I'll squeeze your head.
* If sex were fast food, you'd have and M-shaped arch over your head.
* If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
* If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
* I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
* I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
* I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
* I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
* Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
* Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
* People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
* She's the first in her family born without a tail.

* Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
* That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
* This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
* What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
* Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
* What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
* When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
* You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
* You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
* You are not even beneath my contempt.
* You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
* You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
* You grow on people, but so does cancer.
* You have a nasty speech impediment…your foot.
* You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
* You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
* You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
* Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
* You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

No.181

Van Gogh's Family

2008-07-30T00:47:00.001-04:00

His dizzy aunt
--Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes
--Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
--Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia
--U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois
-- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle
--Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin
-- A mee Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage
--Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle
-- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt
-- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle
--Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst
-- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin
--Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
-- Way-to Gogh

A little bouncy nephew
-- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco
-- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van
--Winnie Bay Gogh

His grandfather who raised snails
--Escar Gogh

He had a few notable distance cousins, twice removed:

The cousin who was a military general
--Stra-te Gogh

A cousin who moved to Italy
--Day Gogh

A cousin who built model buildings with blocks
--Leg-Gogh

A cousin who was into international shipping
--Car Gogh

And there ya Gogh!

The above was borrowed from Miss Cellania. I took the liberty to add the last five "relatives."

No.180

Olympic Mascot Names

2008-07-28T19:46:00.003-04:00

`
In less than two weeks the Summer Olympic Games begin in Beijing, China. Let's take a moment to meet the Chinese Olympic team:

From the picture above can you tell which of the athletes are:

Male
Female
Related
Sleepy
Smiling

?

I was thinking ... Wouldn't it be nice if all the countries and cities gave their Olympic teams mascot names?

HERE'S A FEW SUGGESTIONS

Brussels Sprouts
Cannes Openers
Amsterdam Yankees
Vienna Sausages
French Fries
Canadian Bacon
Belgium Wafflers
English Muffins
Manila Folders
Czech Bouncers
Buenos Airheads
Bolivia DeHavillands
Seoul Brothers
Taipei Personalities (or) Taipei Negatives
Syria Killers
Hungary Jacks
Prague Tologists
Peking Toms
Moscow Tippers
Turkish Baths
Winnepeg Legs
Swiss Cheesecakes
Copenhagen Daaz
Virginia Hams
Yemen-y Crickets
Singapore Slings
Russian Roulettes
Tunis Salads
Chile Willies
Paris Hiltons
Saskatchewan Kenobis
India Inks

+ + + + + + + +

Last year while the Primaries were hot and heavy, President George Bush received a communique from the Danish government:

"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

"On one hand, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

"On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

"How can this be a contest?"

No.179

Handyman Whodunit

2008-07-24T00:09:00.002-04:00

A Handyman Whodunit

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

No.178

Return of the Darwin Awards

2008-07-23T21:31:00.002-04:00

Darwin Awards

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious
Winner:

1. When his 38 - caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space...understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked in to a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man to ok the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse snatcher. They put him
in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

****** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose in to the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your
friends and family .. unless of course one of these 10 individuals by
chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad
they are distant and hope they remain lost.

No.177

You Can Bank On It

2008-07-22T00:19:00.001-04:00

Advice for Bank Robbers
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an article titled "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N. Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon. "

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

Those Dreaded Long Lines at Banks
A man attempted to rob a Bank of America located in San Francisco. He walked into the branch and wrote, 'this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag'.

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest tool in the box, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK,' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.

No.176

Who's Your Daddy?

2008-07-21T00:10:00.001-04:00

The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed).

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had It replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a tin of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.

No.175

Top Ten Top Ten Lists

2008-07-18T00:14:00.000-04:00

I don't know if they are really the top 10 of the top ten lists, but you gotta admit there are ten of them below.

10- Top Ten Ways To Get Rid of a Telemarketer

10..Yea, I could use a credit card,I just filed for bankruptcy.
9...What are you wearing right now?
8...Im wearing....(Add Lib)
7...How do you spell your name, your company name, any kids...etc...
6...OMG I haven't seen you since highschool, (Go on and on)
5...(Screaming) Oh My God I have to go and hang up.....
4...What? What????? I can't hear you.
3...Can you speak very slowly, I have to write it all down....
2...Can you fax this to me? (Give a fake number)
1...Hey, I'm under house arrest, could you bring me some beer?

9- Top Ten Blonde Inventions

10..The water-proof towel
9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag

8- Top Ten Ways to Tell Your HMO is Going Bankrupt

10..Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9...Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8...Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7...Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6...Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day.
5...Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4...Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3...The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2...With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little m's on them.
1...When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

7- Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses

10..Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -dickinme@iup.edu
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -kissinfk@lvu.edu
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -ibballin@bsu.edu
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys R Us) - ihadcock@tru.co

6- Top Ten Ways To Tell You Are Fat

10..You dance and make the band skip.
9...You go bungee jumping and go straight to hell.
8...You go to the zoo and elephants throw you peanuts.
7...Your drivers liscense says Picture continued on other side.
6...You go to a restaraunt and insted of amenu ,you get an estimate.
5...You have to use a boomerang to put a belt on.
4...Your family portrait has stretch marks.
3...People have to take three trains and abus ride to get on your good side.
2...Your nickname is HOLY $HIT.
1...You get runs in your jeans.

5- Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't Yell In Victorias Secret

10..Does this come in childrens sizes?
9...No thanks, just sniffing.
8...I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7...Mom will love this.
6...Oh, the size won't matter. Shes inflatable.
5...No need to wrap it up. Ill eat it here.
4...Will you model this for me???
3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace.
2...45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway.
1... Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

4- Top Ten Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

10... Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
9.... Sex sucks. moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... School just sucks.
8.... After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.
7.... You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6.... Drinking drives people to sex, where as school drives people to drink.
5....Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.
4.... Nothing beats the hands on experience you get with sex.
3.... After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2.... Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is........
1.... At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.

3- Top Ten Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over

10... Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
9.... Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
8.... You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
7.... I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
6.... I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
5.... Officer says, 'Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You respond with, 'Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?'
4.... Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job.
3.... Gee, Officer That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too.
2.... Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
l.... I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2- Top Ten things A Man Would Never Say

10.... I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9..... While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8..... I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7..... Her tits are just too big.
6..... Sometimes I just want to be held.
5..... That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4..... Sure, Id love to wear a condom.
3..... We haven't been to the mall in ages. Lets go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2....Fuck Monday Night Football, lets watch Murphy Brown.
1.....I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.

1- Top Ten things A Woman Would Never Say

10.... Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9..... Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8..... I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7..... Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6..... Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5..... This diamond is way too big.
4..... I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3..... Wow, it really is 14 inches.
2..... Does this make my butt look too small?
1..... I'm wrong. You must be right again.

No.174

Marx the Spot

2008-07-17T00:08:00.000-04:00

The humor of the Marx Brothers may seem dated to some, but I find many of their quotes funny to this day.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

-Groucho Marx

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

-Groucho

Chico- Can he live in NY on $3?
Groucho- Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince.

-Groucho, Chico Marx in "A Night at the Opera

Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "Ha! You can't a fool a me; there ain't no sanity clause."

-Groucho & Chico in A Night at the Opera

"I'm in a hurry; step on it! If you can't get gas, get ethyl. If you can't get ethyl, get Maybelle. Now step on it!"

-Groucho to his driver in "Duck Soup"

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

-Groucho, "Duck Soup"

"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"

-Groucho, "Animal Crackers"

Groucho, to two other women: "Let's all get married!"

Woman: "Why, that's bigamy!"

Groucho: "Why yes, that's big of me, too ... One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody! Not even your grandfather!"

-Groucho, "Animal Crackers"

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.
Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks.
You try it some time. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about."

-Groucho, "Animal Crackers"

"I could dance with you til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows til you got home."

-Groucho, "Duck Soup"

"Have we got a college? Have we got a football team?....Well we can't afford both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college."

-Groucho, "Horse Feathers"

Chico: "The garbage man is here."

Groucho: "Well, tell him we don't want any."

No.173

Putting the Die in Diet

2008-07-16T00:06:00.004-04:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

No.172

A Pun and Some Aphorisms

2008-07-15T00:06:00.005-04:00

Lorraine

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there.

Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone...

The following were "borrowed" from Jack.

APHORISM:
A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game." when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter!

No.171

A Man Can't Win For Losing

2008-07-14T00:16:00.002-04:00

Why A Man Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

No.170

Vocabulary Builder X

2008-07-11T00:04:00.000-04:00

Yawp...before 'divine intervention' or the official storm chase season in Colorado could commence, I come up with VB 10.

Sorry 'bout that.

At the behest of a one of the few readers here, I am mixing into the maelstrom a few meteorological terms, that may become germaine for me in three or so weeks, as I'm in pursuit of my quarry. Or, running like a striped ass gazelle from one:

Graph:

- the sound one makes when throwing up

- a diagram showing the relation between variables

- one of those long-necked, gangly-legged critters in zoos

Equinox:

- needs a higher octane

- a horse you didn't see at the Kentucky Derby

- time/date the Sun crosses the celestial Equator

Curtana:

- a drapery

- unpointed sword used as an emblem of mercy during a coronation

- just Ana, in her bitch mode

Gorkus:

- a city in Russia

- cry of the aviary Red Butted Gork Warbler

- the 13th astrological sign, signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air

Braw:

- Redneck meaning "braw, nuts!"

- Redneck meaning "one a them female parts containin' thangs"

- fine or good

Element:

- explaining Ele

- component as part of a group

- a big mammal with floppy ears

Cumulonumbnuts:

- formation of storm clouds

- formation of storm clowns

- formation of storm clods

Cusp:

- an old...

- swearing with a lisp

- an apex or peak

Frustration:

- being a three-peckered goat in a ewe convent *ducking boos and throwd items*

- a regulated dollop of frust

- rust build-up on an underused tallywacker

Epiphany:

- a profound butt

- manifestation of a god or demigod

- Smee always confused it with 'apostrophe'

Gorgon:

- leads the choir at the Church of AlGore's Save The Earth Scam

- US state on the West Coast

- one of three snake-haired sisters who turn anyone who looks at them to stone, creating the first attempt at Viagra (with unforeseen sideaffects) in ancient Greece

Incumbent:

- required

- crooked sperm

- what the IRS does to your annual income

Divot:

- to color your vot

- a piece of turf

- a collection of divas

Mesocyclone:

- a subprime loan nowadays

- what unsupervised kids make the house look like it was hit by

- vortex of air within a convective storm

Microburst:

- an amoeba fart

- localized column of sinking air producing damaging winds

- exploding specialty beer

Farthing:

- something a long ways away

- typical bad manners in a Monty Python romp

- the least possible amount

Supercell:

- a pre-Christmas sale at Walmart

- thunderstorm with a deep, rotating updraft

- an amoeba that wears a cape, mask, has super powers, and flies around rescuing damsel amoeba from dastardly free radicals

Tornado:

- used to make swirly buns at the bakery

- failed utterly to prevent Vocabulary Builder X...

- really sucks...really...honest...

Vortex:
- an artificial fabric used to make winter gear
- an adult beverage made at Texas bars that makes the room spin
- any whirling motion or mass
Squall:
- an Indian maiden
- when a kid throws one, everyone in earshot knows it
- a sudden, violent gust of wind or storm
Squalor:
- see second definition above
- stories (real and mythical) told by adult squalls to their youthful pretenders
- a state of being filthy, run-down
Weather:
- what Elmer Fudd mixes with wace and dwesses his widdle wady up in
- Redneck meaning "weather 'r not ah open a can o' whupass on ya is th' quesyun hyar.."
- state of the atmosphere at a place and time, as it regards heat, cloudiness, moisture, etc.

Perhaps June will save y'all from any more of these hyar...

What a Day a Difference Makes

2008-07-10T00:17:00.000-04:00

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS (MY FAVORITE)

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

NEED TO BRUSH UP?

Oral B Sex

No.169

A Punny Thing Happened ...

2008-07-09T00:09:00.000-04:00

...On the Way to the Internet

1. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

3. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

4. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

5. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

6. Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

7. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

8. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

9. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

10. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

11. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

12. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

13. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

14. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

15. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

16. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

17. Banning the bra was a big flop.

18. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

19. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

20. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

21. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

22. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

23. Without geometry, life is pointless.

24. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

25. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

26. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

27. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

No.168

Male Sensitivty Test

2008-07-08T00:06:00.001-04:00

Todays post is courtesy of Miss Cellania.

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

2008-07-07T00:19:00.001-04:00

Some Funny Signs.

Sign over a Gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank truck:
Yesterday's Meals on wheels.

At a Proctologist's door:
To expediate your visit, please back in.

On a Plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

On an Electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.

At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place.

On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.

On a Fence:
Salesmen welcome. Dog food expensive.

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment.

Outside a Muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes, Sit. Stay.

At the Electric Company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be. (delighted)

In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and
be fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.

No.167

Skunkfeather's Military Jargon

2008-07-04T00:29:00.001-04:00

*Originally published 1997; revised June, 2008*

What comes as no great surprise in this presidential campaign season, the current Democratic battle for the nomination centers on two non-military experienced candidates who seek to, among other things, stage a rapid withdrawal (aka, retreat) from Iraq. Both of whom -- despite their rhetoric -- have a history of little respect or regard for the US Military. I know one former career military person -- a Democrat himself -- who can testify to Hillary's open distain for military aides at the White House, during her tenor as co-President (in her mind).

In today's atmosphere, one place in particular where the progressive anti-war/military mind set is mosts pronounced -- besides, that is, in the media and Democratic Party -- is in academia. I would dare to guess that this is due, in large part, to a lack of understanding between what the military is, versus what the progressive mind set believes, based in post-Vietnam impropaganda from their largely 'progressive' indoctrinaires.

So the key to bridging the gulf of misunderstanding by progressives, as regards what the military is and does, is in clarifying definitions. Not for progressives; they don't know their butts from a hole in the ground, thanks in large part to their dysfunctional professors. No, this is a guide to help military personnel to understand what orifice-dysfunctional progressives are thinking, when they hear military terminology.

For example, if a college progressive hears the term "carrier", they are inclined to think it means someone who desperately needs socialized medicine.

With that in mind:

Frigate: a diplomatic way to say the real F word

Destroyer: the human race, as regards the environment, climate, polar bears, et al

Stinger: phrases they need more of, when debating conservative intellectuals, which they deny exist, but won't debate...

Hornet: an internet website that lists hos, according to gangsta rappers

Patriot: a football player in Ted Kennedy's district, or (b) a word that needs to be done away with

Cobra: something they thought feminists burned years ago...

Armor: then there's too much already

Traitor: any Democrat who votes with Republicans

Scud: what a cow chews

Amphibious Vehicle: what Ted Kennedy drove once, though they don't talk about it...

Army: a despised Republican from Texas

Marine: O'Hara

Air Force: passing flatulence

Armored Column: a metal pole

Infantry: a sapling that needs protection from loggers

Cavalry: if a Christian reference, bad; if an Islamic reference, good

Battalion: a scene from The Lion King

Assault Weapon: Rush Limbaugh's microphone

Target: a place to shop cheap

Target Negated: built one of those hated Walmarts next to it

Missile: what progressive speeches are meant to do with the public's understanding

Ambush: are not!!!

Mandate: what those neanderthals in the military won't let men do...meanies...

General: better than being specific, especially when it gets to details about liberalism

First Strike Weapon: Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Al Gore, et al

Defense: the one they use to conceal their pot plants from 'the man'

Satellite: a lighter saddle, better for horses according to animal rights activists

Strategy: lying and dissembling

Sonar: and yet so far away...

Radar: that goofy kid on MASH

Battle Group: collection of "Recreate '68" protestors

Ordnance: one of those federally unfunded things that aren't okay if issued by Republicans

Medal: what they feel the Patriot Act does in their and terrorists' private lives

Valor: some type of fabric for stuff

Bunker: a textbook Republican mean-spirited bigot that was on TV in the '70s

Submarine: a sandwich

Drone: a poking-fun reference to Dubya's speaking style

Air Strike: something Republicans unfairly interefered with, like Reagan did in the 80s

Territorial Violation: military recruiters on any college campus

Demilitarized Zone: any college campus

Friendly Fire: token "wrist slaps" from the liberal media, rare as they are

Deterrent: that metal housing on top of a tank that kills innocent Islamofascists

Weapons Free: a problem that needs to be eliminated by outlawing all guns for law-abiding citizens

Intelligence: oh 'duh'...like wow, man, they ain't got none a dat, or they wouldn't in the military, dude...

As the US Military continues to serve the nation in harms' way, it is hoped that this guide will help them to understand some pathetic, pithy segment of their 'progressive' civilian opposition.

Whether that will be of comfort to them, now...that's another matter.

Life After College

2008-07-03T00:07:00.002-04:00

1. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.

6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

7. You carry an umbrella.

8. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a club.

9. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

10. You don’t find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny anymore.

11. You don't have mice living in your kitchen.

12. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

13. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

14. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.

15. You go to the pharmacy for Asprin and antacids, not Condoms and pregnancy test kits.

16. A £2.50 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

17. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the music.

18. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

19. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

20. You always know where you are when you wake up.

21. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

22. You feed your dog Chum instead of McDonald"s.

23. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

24. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

No.166

Skunkfeather's State Mottos

2008-07-02T00:03:00.000-04:00

This offering from Skunkfeathers is his "voision" of this post by Serena.

The Inevitability of Change (August 2002)

..in everything but credit cards, but I digress.

The annual World Almanac is a wonderful tool. It has information on a plethora of things, many that one might never even imagine a use for, with others that can have timely applications in the most unusual of circumstances. And I excel at finding the unusual, especially when I'm bored or have writers' block.

As the column lead suggests, change is inevitable in about everything in our lives. Few will argue it. Change is as timeless as time itself. Change cannot be denied, if only hidden by botox injections and hair coloring, if you've any left to color. Change simply is.

I got to looking through the World Almanac for a seed (or germ) of an idea for this week, and it hit me like a change-up pitch, high and too tight: I found the biographical write-ups of the fifty states that make up this great nation. In so doing, I noted that each had a motto: a motto that was probably adopted when the state became such. In the case of Colorado, we're talking about 125 years ago. For places like Alaska, that makes their motto only 53 years old. For Delaware ..
wow.

However, if one takes into account 'the inevitability of change', then it's time to review our state mottos. Time to refresh, to revise them, to change them. Thus, I did. Oh, I retained the essence of each, especially those with a Latin origin. I've simply enhanced or modernized them, so to speak.

What's more, I've sent along my recommended changes to each state. I think that once they've taken a moment to reflect upon the thought and effort I've put forth on this project, they'll readily and collectively agree to action. Like posting a bounty on me:

Alabama: 'We dare defend our rights to grits'
Alaska: 'North to the future. South to thaw. Anwar to drill.'
Arizona: 'Ditet Deus (God Endows John McCain with water and tarantula dung)'
Arkansas: 'Regnat Populus (Shore got lotsa gnats 'round that Clinton lie-braree)'
California: 'Eureka (I have found it: a condo in Aspen, CO)'
Colorado: 'Californians Suck'
Connecticut: 'Qui Transtulit Sustinet (Darned if I know, it's Latin)'
Delaware: 'Liberty, independence and telemarketers, oh my'
Florida: 'In God We Trust, From Georgia We Seek Ballot Consultants'
Georgia: 'Wisdom, justice and second graders to hep them thar Florida voters'
Hawaii: 'The life of the land is perpetuated or deep fat fried in righteous volcanic eruptions'
Idaho: 'Esto Perpetua (It's spelled Potato, you boob)'
Illinois: 'State Sovereignty - National Union. No Scabs or Working Brains Allowed'
Indiana: 'Crossroads of America: Great Accidents Hourly'
Iowa: 'Our liberties we prize, and our rights we will maintain to protect our sheep from Wyoming'
Kansas: 'Ad Astra per Aspera (to the stars through difficulties, 'cuz it's flatter than Hell here'
Kentucky: 'United We Stand, Divided We Win, Place or Show'
Louisiana: 'Union, justice and confidence in bribing (almost) anyone'
Maine: 'Dirigo (again)'
Maryland: 'Fatti Maschii, Parole Femine (Manly deeds, womanly words, N.O.W.
Files EEOC suit, file at 11, yada yada..)'
Massachusetts: 'Ense Petit Placidam Sub Libertate Quietem (By the sword we seek peace, but only if free from having to learn more Latin)'
Michigan: 'Si Quaeris Peninsulam Amoenam, Circumspice (We made ours shorter than Massachusetts)'
Minnesota: 'L'Etoile du Nord (10,000 Lakes, 10 Feet of Snow and 10 Billion Mosquitoes)'
Mississippi: 'Virtute et Armis (It's not too late to join Lee's march on Gettysb .. oops .. never mind)'
Missouri: 'Salus Populi Suprema Lex Esto (the welfare of the people shall not include rules on election night)'
Montana: 'Oro y Plata (Gold and Silver helps build strong Militias)'
Nebraska: 'Equality -- and the Cornhusker football team -- before the law'
Nevada: 'For all our country -- double or nothing'
New Hampshire: 'Live Free or Move to crumbling DC'
New Jersey: 'Liberty and prosperity and Ellis Island belongs to us, NY'
New Mexico: 'Crescit Eundo (Roadrunner...the coyote's after you..)'
New York: 'Excelsior (Badda bing badda boom, Ellis Island is ours, NJ)'
North Carolina: 'Esse Quam Videri (to be or not to be, it is up to the hurricanes)'
North Dakota: 'Liberty and union, now and forever buried in snowdrifts'
Ohio: 'With God, all things are possible until the legislature convenes'
Oklahoma: 'Labor Omnia Vincit (Labor conquers all things, 'cept death, taxes and crooked lawyers)'
Oregon: 'She flies with her own wings, but charges with his Visa'
Pennsylvania: 'Virtue, Liberty and Three Mile Island: two outta three ain't bad'
Rhode Island: 'Hope we're not annexed by Massachusetts'
South Carolina: 'Dum Spiro Spero (Strom Thurmond hugged Hillary Clinton? Ewwww...
...poor Strom)'
South Dakota: 'Under God, the people rule. Under Daschle, God's out, the DNC rules'
Tennessee: 'Honest, we thought we knew the real version of Al Gore'
Texas: 'Aw, shucks..let's execute us anuther 'un'
Utah: 'Industry -- anything but the Osmonds'
Vermont: 'Freedom and claustrophobia'
Virginia: 'Sic Semper Tyrannis (We're glad the T-Rex ate Los Angeles!)'
Washington: 'Alki (Microsoft IE Required in all things)
West Virginia: 'Montani Semper Liberi (Everything's named for Robert Byrd)'
Wisconsin: 'Cheeseheads? I've got your Cheeseheads!'
Wyoming: 'Equal Rights to Iowan Sheep'
District of Columbia: 'Justitia omnibus (Marion *snort* Barry was framed *snort*!)'

Murphian Laws of Nature

2008-07-01T00:04:00.002-04:00

Law Educational Research
When research material necessary for a passing grade is taken from Wikipedia, invariably the information will be incorrect

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Verbicidal Wacky Wordies

2008-06-30T00:07:00.001-04:00

My partner and fellow-founder of Verbicidal Tendencies, Serena Joy has decided to take a hiatus from this blog. A job and life in general can be burdensome without having to maintain a blog, much less two of them.

She will be missed during her absence. You can still read her humor and wit over at Parenthetically Speaking.

The following "Pearls Before Swine" comic contains a pun dedicated to you, Serena.

A Wacky Wordy, in a word, is a word rebus puzzle. The solution to the puzzle will be a word or a phrase as suggested by the rebus.

Below are two sets of six each. Can you solve them? (To enlarge, click on the images.)

Set No. 1

Set No. 2

Stumped? The answers will appear in the Comments section.

No.164

Verbally Insane

2008-06-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis, and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop?

And that is just the beginning -- even though this is the end!

Marriage Recipe

2008-06-26T00:02:00.001-04:00

Red Skelton’s recipe for the perfect marriage.

If you remember Red, or not, you will enjoy these.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric Bread-maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" … So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

******************************************
No.163

English Quiz

2008-06-25T08:00:00.001-04:00

If you can figure out what these words have in common, you are a lot smarter than I am.

Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess

You're not giving up so soon, are you? Give it another try. You will kick yourself when you discover the answer.

Go back and look at them again; think hard. Have you figured it out yet?

Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be ... the same word.

Pretty cool, huh?

Things Women Should Tell Men, But Don't

2008-06-24T00:09:00.001-04:00

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling... however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Thought for today: Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. ~Jean Kerr

No.162

Oops

2008-06-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

The mom gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one day one of the daughters walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what had happened 16 years ago.

About a week later, the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again, the mother told her not to worry and explained what had happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay," said Mom. "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy. "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Like a Hole in the Head(lines)

2008-06-20T00:06:00.002-04:00

A COLLECTION OF NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
THAT MERIT A SECOND GLANCE

CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase (Like, let's triple those muggings Lefty, and Spike, I want to see you double up on those purse-snatchings!)

Sex Fund Pledged For Sheriff (Now he can take his mind off the increase in crime, eh?)

Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital (Wonder which one carried the vital organs?)

Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full Dumps (But babies were ALWAYS 'dumping'......)

Wanted: Women To Test New Condom (A unique approach to meeting new women)

Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline (Well, now I can stop worrying about my investments since the future is so certain....)

Blow To Head Is Common Cause Of Brain Injury (It took the experts to figure that one out)

Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says (They needed a study to find THAT out?)

You Can Still Bury Grandpa Out Back (So we don't have to wait until he's dead?)

Mortuary Adds Drive-Through (Maybe the mourners will beep their horns loud enough to wake the dead)

Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation (That's got to be the toughest way to quit a job that I know of!)

City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup (And we all thought taxes ended with death!)

US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food (Gimme An Order Of Insect Parts, Easy On The Fries.....)

Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave (Who thought of this recipe, anyway???)

Nudist Group Donates Clothing For Victims (Well, they weren't using them anyway)

Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad! (It's the quiet ones you have to worry about)

Dog That Bit 2 People Ordered To Leave Town (But did he UNDERSTAND that he had to leave town?)

Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly (But how do you interview suspects without hurting their feelings?)

Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime (We can all sleep better at night with THAT knowledge!)

Thieves Steal Burglar Alarm (In case they wanted to catch themselves in the act?)

Terrorist Bought Bomb Parts At K Mart (Attention K Mart shoppers, plutonium on aisle 9...)

Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave (Like, I guess they didn't want to discount the possibility of suicide)

No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim (Maybe stretched vocal chords...?)

No.161

6 Again

2008-06-19T08:00:00.001-04:00

Ahhhh, to be 6 again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster -- everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Them's Some Thin Books

2008-06-18T01:35:00.007-04:00

The World's Thinnest Books

26. UNDERARM SHAVING TECHNIQUES - by National Organization of Women, France
25. DRIVING SKILLS- distributed by the Embassy of the People's Republic of China
24. BIRTH CONTROL METHODS - by the Catholic Church
23. JEWISH BOOK OF PORK DISHES - by Rabbi David Rosen
22. WARS WE HAVE WON - by the German Republic
21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
14. HOW TO SAY NO TO A YOUNG BOY - by the Catholic Priests Association
13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
-9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by Dr. J. Kevorkian
-8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
-7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
-6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
-5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
-4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
-3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
-2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
-1. FRENCH WAR HEROES - by Jacques Chirac

SOME LATE EDITIONS
LAUNDRY TIPS - Monica Lewinsky
WORDS I CAN PRONOUNCE - George W. Bush
WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MODESTY - Paris Hilton
MY GRANDCHILDREN -Cher
MY GREATEST MOMENTS ON "THE VIEW" -Rosie O'Donnell
SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE - Elizabeth Taylor/Mickey Rooney
A BRIDGE TOO FAR - Ted Kennedy

No.160

Idiot Sightings

2008-06-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large enough" motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1.75 in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more."

From Kingman, KS.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, saying "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Alabama

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
This occurred at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

Fathers: Then & Now

2008-06-16T00:04:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was the eighth Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2008, fathers are never truly appreciated.

No.159