Shaking Shakespeare's Tree Again!

It's time to rewrite Shakespeare again, this time Blue, VT's friend from West Virginia, reworks some of the writings of the Bard of Avon. Not only does he give them a new spin, he has applied the experiences of his own life to them.

Friends, Romans and Countrymen, y'all lend him your ears, ya hear? (He'll give 'em back!)

I’ve heard once, that if you gave enough chimpanzees
the typewriters and enough time, they would write
Shakespeare. Maybe,… maybe not. But I do know that
many Shakespeare’s quotes can be translated to modern
speech, as has been demonstrated here at VT before.
When translated, they sound an awful lot like bits of
conversations I’ve heard at one time or another when I
was growing up.
Some good examples are:

A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.

TRANSLATION: - ”Yep, saw the whole fight, but
everybody got real quiet when Timmy started to cry. Me
an’ Billy felt bad about it and told the teacher.” –
(Johnny in the school cafeteria.)

And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ;
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil.

TRANSLATION: “Yeah, I’ll see you in church on Sunday,
but if you need me the rest of the week, I’ll be at
the bar.” – (Uncle Bob)

Blow, blow, thou winter wind
Thou art not so unkind,
As man's ingratitude.

TRANSLATION: “Dude, that was COLD hearted…!” – (My
childhood pal and wanna be surfer dude, Ricky)

I must be cruel only to be kind;
Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind.

TRANSLATION: “Boy, this is going to hurt me a lot more
than it hurts you. And if I catch you being bad again,
I’ll do worse to what remains of your behind.”- (My dad)

I pray thee cease thy counsel,
Which falls into mine ears as profitless
as water in a sieve.

TRANSLATION: “Why don’t you shut up and leave me
alone!!??” – (My big sister to me, when I was about 9).

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.

TRANSLATION: “I don’t care what his haircut looks
like, stop teasing your brother!”- (My mom to my
sister, making fun of my older brother’s new haircut.)

We do not keep the outward form of order, where there
is deep disorder in the mind.

TRANSLATION: “Don’t just waltz in here and throw your
stuff on the floor! Boy, are you crazy?”- (My mom)

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

TRANSLATION: “Who let all the noobs in here?” – (Heard
in various Internet rooms and forums.)

Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't.

TRANSLATION: “You know, that just might be crazy
enough to work…” – (My friend Ricky, just before
attempting to jump off the roof of the house with a
patio umbrella.)

O, woe is me,
To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!

TRANSLATION: Are you trying to kill me?! I can’t
believe I just caught you trying to jump off the
roof!! – (My friend’s mom to my friend Ricky, just
before completion of jump from roof.)

If you liked this work by the Bard of Appalachia, you can read some of his soliloquies HERE !