4/04/2008

The Proverbial Wit of Children


(The following post is from an old blogging friend and one smart and witty senior citizen, Old Hoss.

Why we haven't had Hoss as a guest contributor before now, I'll never know. Without further adieu, let us correct that oversight.)


Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of it. Whether this is aprochyphal, I don't know. But it's cute. Here are various and assorted proverb endings that her students delivered:

Better to be safe than...........Punch a fifth grader.

Strike while the.................Bug is close.

It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of....Termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...How?

Don't bite the hand that........Looks dirty.

No news is......................Impossible.

A miss is as good as a..........Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new.....Math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll..Stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.................Me.

The pen is mightier than the....Pigs.

An idle mind is.................The best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's....Pollution.

Happy the bride who.............Gets all the presents.

A penny saved is................Not much.

Two's company, three's..........The Musketeers.

Don't put off til tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.

None is so blind as.............Stevie Wonder

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........You have to blow your nose.


Here are some excerpts from actual history essays by schoolchildren, from the book "Mr. McGreevey's Absolute Howlers."


"In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java."

"When Elizabeth exposed herself before the troops, they all shouted 'hurrah'. Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo."

"In the middle of the 18th Century, all the morons moved to Utah."

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

"When things didn't go as planned, Stalin used the peasants as escape goats."

"When Caesar was assassinated, he is reported to have said, 'Me too, Brutus.'"

"President Carter faced the Iran Hostess Crisis."

"The USA and USSR became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent."

"The Wholey Roman Empire amazed many when it was found in Germany."

"Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.'"

"Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large."

"The Jews were a proud people but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals."

"Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion."

"A major discovery was made by Mary Leakey, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind."

"Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva."

If you visit Old Hoss' site (link in opening introduction above) and you should, if for no other reason than to see his 4/4/08 post "The Poor Box Takes a Beating." The post features the covers of some excellent books for children and adults alike.

And oh yes, the books (Dr. Seuss spoofs) are a riot and so is the joke suggested by the post's title. Please do pay Hoss a visit and check out these funny books.

8 comments:

Skunkfeathers said...

LOL...Hoss found a couple gems there, shore 'nuff. Where those history observations by kids, or Mel Brooks?

Bilbo said...

Another great source of such gems is the book, "Anguished English," by Richard Lederer. My favorite is the one about Sir Francis Drake circumcising the world with a 100-foot clipper...

Hale McKay said...

Skunk,

Hoss sure enuff does come up with some gems - borrowed and original.

Hale McKay said...

Bilbo,

I love the works of Richard Lederer.

LOL @ Sir Francis Drake one ...

I haven't read "Anguished English." I gotta go look for a copy.

Serena Joy said...

Lord love a school child. Those were LOL funny! We've really got to work on Hoss and get him over here regularly.:-)

Hale McKay said...

Serena,

Did you hop over to his place to check out those books? They are really funny.

Serena Joy said...

I haven't yet, but I am slowly making my rounds.:)

Jack K. said...

"Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.'"

Say What!?!

ROTFLMAO