Skunkfeather's Military Jargon

*Originally published 1997; revised June, 2008*

What comes as no great surprise in this presidential campaign season, the current Democratic battle for the nomination centers on two non-military experienced candidates who seek to, among other things, stage a rapid withdrawal (aka, retreat) from Iraq. Both of whom -- despite their rhetoric -- have a history of little respect or regard for the US Military. I know one former career military person -- a Democrat himself -- who can testify to Hillary's open distain for military aides at the White House, during her tenor as co-President (in her mind).

In today's atmosphere, one place in particular where the progressive anti-war/military mind set is mosts pronounced -- besides, that is, in the media and Democratic Party -- is in academia. I would dare to guess that this is due, in large part, to a lack of understanding between what the military is, versus what the progressive mind set believes, based in post-Vietnam impropaganda from their largely 'progressive' indoctrinaires.

So the key to bridging the gulf of misunderstanding by progressives, as regards what the military is and does, is in clarifying definitions. Not for progressives; they don't know their butts from a hole in the ground, thanks in large part to their dysfunctional professors. No, this is a guide to help military personnel to understand what orifice-dysfunctional progressives are thinking, when they hear military terminology.

For example, if a college progressive hears the term "carrier", they are inclined to think it means someone who desperately needs socialized medicine.

With that in mind:

Frigate: a diplomatic way to say the real F word

Destroyer: the human race, as regards the environment, climate, polar bears, et al

Stinger: phrases they need more of, when debating conservative intellectuals, which they deny exist, but won't debate...

Hornet: an internet website that lists hos, according to gangsta rappers

Patriot: a football player in Ted Kennedy's district, or (b) a word that needs to be done away with

Cobra: something they thought feminists burned years ago...

Armor: then there's too much already

Traitor: any Democrat who votes with Republicans

Scud: what a cow chews

Amphibious Vehicle: what Ted Kennedy drove once, though they don't talk about it...

Army: a despised Republican from Texas

Marine: O'Hara

Air Force: passing flatulence

Armored Column: a metal pole

Infantry: a sapling that needs protection from loggers

Cavalry: if a Christian reference, bad; if an Islamic reference, good

Battalion: a scene from The Lion King

Assault Weapon: Rush Limbaugh's microphone

Target: a place to shop cheap

Target Negated: built one of those hated Walmarts next to it

Missile: what progressive speeches are meant to do with the public's understanding

Ambush: are not!!!

Mandate: what those neanderthals in the military won't let men do...meanies...

General: better than being specific, especially when it gets to details about liberalism

First Strike Weapon: Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Al Gore, et al

Defense: the one they use to conceal their pot plants from 'the man'

Satellite: a lighter saddle, better for horses according to animal rights activists

Strategy: lying and dissembling

Sonar: and yet so far away...

Radar: that goofy kid on MASH

Battle Group: collection of "Recreate '68" protestors

Ordnance: one of those federally unfunded things that aren't okay if issued by Republicans

Medal: what they feel the Patriot Act does in their and terrorists' private lives

Valor: some type of fabric for stuff

Bunker: a textbook Republican mean-spirited bigot that was on TV in the '70s

Submarine: a sandwich

Drone: a poking-fun reference to Dubya's speaking style

Air Strike: something Republicans unfairly interefered with, like Reagan did in the 80s

Territorial Violation: military recruiters on any college campus

Demilitarized Zone: any college campus

Friendly Fire: token "wrist slaps" from the liberal media, rare as they are

Deterrent: that metal housing on top of a tank that kills innocent Islamofascists

Weapons Free: a problem that needs to be eliminated by outlawing all guns for law-abiding citizens

Intelligence: oh 'duh'...like wow, man, they ain't got none a dat, or they wouldn't in the military, dude...

As the US Military continues to serve the nation in harms' way, it is hoped that this guide will help them to understand some pathetic, pithy segment of their 'progressive' civilian opposition.

Whether that will be of comfort to them, now...that's another matter.