I Don't mean To Give You Any Crap But...

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit .... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

No.75

Sorely Tested

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses from 16-year-olds.

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

Thinkin' Sure Do Hurt

Cletus done got hisself a headache. Ya reckon the ol' boy wuz a thinkin' again?

I was an only child, eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a pain to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Sponges grow in the ocean ... I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

No.74

You Might Be A High-Tech Redneck...

...If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

...If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."

...If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop."

...If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."

...If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing cellular phone.

...If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT."

...If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

...If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go," and you still don't miss her.

...If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.

...If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

...If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.

...If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all!"

Get the Point?

The History of the Middle Finger

The fickle finger of fate ... Hitch-hiking a helicopter ... Letting the driver of another car know he's number one ...

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Now that you know the time-honored history of this gesture, you no longer have to be hesitant when you want to tell someone just how you feel!

No.73

Cuckoo Blonde

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And, as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. The contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.

Diets: To Die For?

You are familiar with the term 'simulcast,' I'm sure. This post is quite possibly the first ever Simulpost! This post here at VT, has also been posted at my other site.
Q: Why? (a) I'm a trend setter; (b) I'm lazy; (c) I had writer's block; (d)I'm sick
A: All of the above


If rhetoric was edible, that sure would explain all those Fat Cats in Washington. Have you ever noticed that word 'diet' can be found in the word 'deficit?'

However, our President's diet of this staple hasn't even called for him to loosen his belt. Where he puts it is anyone's guess. I submit that his intake results as the ejecta of his rhetorical sputum. After all, one cannot digest what one doesn't chew.

In her recent post a long-time blogger friend, Ivy, was pondering a rather delicate dietary dilemma. She notes that diets which include grapefruit always call for only half of the fruit. She was wondering just what harm would it be if she were to eat the whole thing!

Her post and my subsequent comment left there had me thinking. I didn't think too long, however, thus avoiding the possibility of setting off the household smoke alarms.

What is it about that word "diet" that evokes discomfort in us?It's an easy enough question to answer if we take the time to break down the word 'diet' itself by its two syllabic parts.

Di - (pronounced phonetically is 'die.')

et - (pronounced phonetically is 'et,' which is the past tense form of the verb 'eat.')

It is by the cruel design of the so-called 'dietitians' that there is so much confusion surrounding the word. I liken dietitians to lawyers in that they support their clients as long as there is money in it for them. The only fat that is trimmed is from our pockets.

Some lawyers become Fat Cats in Washington and can fall prey to the dietitians. Remember shark meat is food too, thus it can be subjected to dietary restrictions. It's a shark-eat-shark world out there.

It is a little known fact that most dietitians, while pontificating to others what constitutes a proper healthy diet, beyond public scrutiny receive daily intravenous transfusions of pureed Big Macs, french fries and milkshakes. Thereby receiving such treatments, they are not seen physically ingesting these foods. The less we partake of it, the more for them. Haven't you ever wondered why so many dietitians are overweight?

Using an etymological breakdown of the title they choose to call themselves, one should pay particular attention of the phonetic sound of the last five letters of the word dietitian. It should be readily apparent that the title of another profession ends with this same phonetic sound. That word is mortician.
It's true. Dietitians are merely failed morticians.

In closing, work backwards when it comes to that dreaded word 'diet.' If you don't eat, you're going to die. That's a fact! Thus if the food on your plate isn't 'et,' you will die.

Do you really want to be a statistic for some some statistician who is appointed by some politician and who is hired by a dietitian who really wanted to be a mortician in the first place?

No.72