Fractured Etymology

Lexicon Leghorn has compiled a list of some of his favorite words. It seems that his definitions may differ from yours and mine.

1. Absolution - a girdle
2. Autobiography - What you have when you check a Vehicle Identification Number
3. Brouhaha - giggles from drinking too much beer
4. Chapeau - cologne for men
5. Climate - if Charlie Brown wants his kite back, what he does to a tree
6. Contemplate - the pattern used by prisoners to make license plates
7. Deferred - clean shaven
8. Dilatory - where pickles are made
9. Dogma - female canine with puppies
10. Ennui - where you find tears
11. Linguistics - Shaping linguine into objects of art
12. Microchips - broken pieces at the bottom of the bag
13. Miniscule - Kindergarten
14. Nobel - you have to knock real loud
15. Paradigms - two coins worth twenty cents
16. Pastry - a hanger in a stripper's wardrobe where spare pasties are kept
17. Psychic Network - a prophet sharing plan
18. Pundit - past tense of punit
19. Rectory - body shop where cars in accidents are repaired
20. Rectum - what the careless child did with the fragile toys
21. Requirement - replacing departed members of a choir
22. Rhubarb - Ru Paul's sister who dresses as a man
23. Sparrow - what you would have if you spelled "boook"
24. The - A common middle name, especially in cartoons, i.e., Kermit The Frog, Smokey The Bear
25. Universe - a poem made up of only one line

Verbicidal Tendencies has made the big time! When Miss Cellania gives you a mention, you exist! The following blurb appeared at her site and
can be seen here. Thanks, Miss Cellania!

NEWSFLASH: Mike Ashley of It Occurred to Me and Serena Joy of Parenthetically Speaking have unveiled a new blog called Verbicidal Tendencies, which takes a cockeyed look at words and the way we use and misuse them. They would love your input and submissions!

BONUS WORDS

Leghorn Lexicon is always grateful for contributions to his Dictionary of Fractured Etymology. For these gems, a special thank you and a tip of the hat to Scary Monster.

Definitions They Didn't Teach at School

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end & a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSTIPATION - To have & to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women & go all over them without getting his face slapped.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

NURSE - A pan handler.

PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys & you don't.

SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

Lastly, Scary provided us with this snippet:

A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway.
The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded, alarmed, dismayed, frightened, horrified, panicked,spooked, startled and generally bewildered"

No.2