(Pun - a play on words, also called Paronomasia)
A good pun is its own reword.
At one time I had a part time job as a Security Guard. When I first tried on my uniform - a pair of very baggy pants with a loud red stripe running down the leg - I was mildly horrified. But my wife was philosophical, and said:
"It's okay, honey. You're just a victim of circus pants.A friend of mine was having problems with her laptop. "It's driving me crazy," she said. "The A,E and I keys are sticking."
I diagnosed her problem and said:
"Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome."Two girls were talking at the bar one night. I couldn't help but overhear their conversation. The one next to me said "Can you believe it? I still haven't got my pictures back from my vacation."
To which I leaned in her direction and said,
"Don't worry, dear. Someday your prints will come."Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused pain-killers during a root canal?
"He wanted to transcend dental medication."When I read in the news that a man had jumped off a bridge in Paris, I thought:
"That man's in Seine."What's with all those chicken-crossing-the-road jokes anyway?
"If you ask me, it's poultry in motion."Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you:
Evidence has been found that legendary archer William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus, to this day we'll never now
"For whom the Tells bowled. "
Stand-up Comics' Lines
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. - ( Emo Philips )
Michael Jackson is the spokesperson for people who cut off their noses to spite their faces. - ( Dennis Miller )
You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts. - ( Jeff Foxworthy )
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - ( Joan Rivers )
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice. - ( Bill Cosby )
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - ( George Carlin )