3/16/2007

Stowing Thrones



I call them groaners. They are those jokes that tell you a story, hold your interest, and then force you to groan when you hear the punchline. Indeed such a punchline is like a sucker punch. There are many of them out there, all of them with "groan power." So from the seat of my pants, I am serving up a few of them from the top of my head.

A Rabbi wandering the land to spread the Word, comes upon the small town of Trid situated at the base of a large muddy hill. In the town center he observed a curious ritual that all of the Trids seemed to revel in.
~They would climb to the top of the steep hill, where they would then lean forward with their hands on their knees. At that point, a large troll would then appear and promptly kick them in the rear end.
~Powered by the force of the kick, they would be sent down the slope sliding in the mud all the way down to the town square. Such was their apparent enjoyment of this, that they would get back in line to climb to the hill's crest again.
~ The Rabbi, thinking that when in Rome do as the Romans, took his place in the line. Upon reaching the summit, anticipating the thrill of it, he assumed the position. Instead, the troll looked at him and said,
~"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

(GROAN) I am holding up a sign with that word to cue the audience. The two placards with "Laugh" and "Cheer" are not used very often.

In a far away kingdom which bordered several other richer kingdoms, lived a king who was envious of neighboring monarchs and their lands. Not having the resources of the other kingdoms, his reign was less than glorious. So he decided that he must embellish his kingdom with the best of everything. He oversaw the construction of a crystal castle. After fitting his castle with the finest finery, he felt that something was missing. So from the dwindling coffers he ordered a magnificent golden throne be built.
~ When it was complete he knew he now had the greatest castle of them all. What grand castle wouldn't be complete without the grandest throne? From a gold throne he would rule long within his glass castle.
~ But when he sat upon the golden throne, the additional weight caused it and him to go crashing through the glass floors. This set in motion the collapse of the entire castle.
~ The moral of the story:
~People who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

(GROAN)

At his ranch, Roy Rogers celebrated his birthday with Dale his wife and good friend Gene Autry. Both cowboys had been matinee idols, rivals, and friends through the years. They were admiring Roy's brand new boots, one of his birthday gifts. Later Roy and Dale waved goodbye to Gene as he rode home on his horse Champion.
~ As it had been raining and the new boots had gotten muddy, Roy left them by the door for the night. He did not want to track up Dale's clean floors. The next morning he found his new boots shredded to pieces on the porch. In the yard was the distinct footprints of a large mountain lion.
~ Climbing into the saddle atop his horse Trigger, Roy said goodbye to Dale, telling her he would return when he had tracked down the cat. Several days would pass before she heard the hoofbeats approaching the ranch house. Gene, who had dropped by for another visit, joined Dale on the porch as Roy approached. Draped over the back of the saddle was the tan body of a large mountain lion.
~ In unison, both Dale and Gene chimed,
~"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

(GROAN)

The three groaner puns above were originally posted on 2/21/2005 at It Occurred To Me . Aren't you glad I resurrected them? You are? Well this is your lucky day, for below are three more!

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters.
~Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
~"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
~"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
~The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
~"I'm marrying a Russet!"
~"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
~As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up.
~"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
~"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
~Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
~"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
~"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
~"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
~Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
~"Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
~"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
~"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
~"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
~"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
~"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly.
~"But he's just a common tater!"

(GROAN)

A doctor made it his regular routine to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home from his office. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink poured and ready at precisely 5:03 p.m.
~One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to discover that he was out of hazelnut extract. Searching the shelves he found he had a bottle of hickory extract. He threw together a daiquiri made with the hickory and sat it on the bar.
~The doctor arrived, nodded, sat down and took a sip of the drink. He exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
~"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender,
~"It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

(GROAN)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says to her, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
~Patti looks at the frog in disbelief, but asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks for his name and the frog replies, "My name is Kermit Jagger. It's okay, I know the bank manager."
~Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything that he can use as collateral.
~ "Sure," the frog says, "I have this." He produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant about a half an inch tall. It is bright pink and is perfectly formed.
~Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She confronts the manager and reports, "There's a frog called Kermit JAgger out there who claims to know you and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this for collateral.
~She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, "I mean, what the heck is this?"
~The manager looks first at the object and then up at her and says,
~"It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(GROAN)

Groaners is a fitting label for these farcical jokes. The best part of them is not the laughs they generate, but rather measuring the decibels of the groans.~Fear not, I'm sure that I can come up with a few more for a future blog.

(GROAN)~


No.8

8 comments:

Steve G said...

I'm groaning.

Jack K. said...

GROAN, GROAN, GROAN.

And if I forgot to mention it, groan.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane. Loved them the first time around, and the second and the third, etc. ;-)

Hale McKay said...

Steve, whew at 5 a.m., I don't doubt that one bit.

Hale McKay said...

Jack, seeing that "groan" is an anagram for "organ," that explains the funeral-like music playing in the background.

lime said...

and my favorite....

gandhi, as we know was famous for his nonviolent and mediative ways in encouraging social change. he often went on hunger strikes to get hsi point acorss, this weakened his health and gave him very bad breath as his body chemistry changed. he also walked long distances as he spread his message causing the soles of his feet to become very thick. in other words he was...

a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

Serena Joy said...

ROFL! (snort*snerk) Did you know that groaning and laughing out loud at the same time gives you hiccups? And did you know that if you drink something for the hiccups and look at your monitor at the same time, it can cause spewing? (Groaaaaan)

Hale McKay said...

Lime, I agree that is good one also.

Hale McKay said...

Whoa, SJ! I never knew these things caused more than groans!

I guess I should wait a while before I spring any more of these groaners on an unsuspecting blogosphere.