4/09/2007

Writ Tern's Written Word Inquisition

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Having heard rumors of Bad Words Running Rampant, the Inquisition is in town. Grand Inquisitor Writ Tern has his work cut out for him. It's good that he has brought with him all the tools with which to conduct proper inquisitions of suspect words, and the minions to operate them.

Accused Citizen #1:

Writ Tern: You are charged with uttering in public the phrase, "You have peaked my curiosity." What is your plea to this transgression?

Citizen: Um, it should have been peeked?

WT: Use that in a sentence!

Citizen: Um, NOW my curiosity is peeked?

WT to minion: Put him in the stocks and let him think about it in a fit of pique for a time.

Accused Citizen #2:

WT: We have before us a complaint that you amble about the village writing notes claiming to be invisable. Do you deny it?

Citizen: No. This IS "one nation invisable." What is the problem?

WT: Define invisable, please.

Citizen: Neener-neener, thee cannot see me.

WT to minion: Ha! You are all too visible. To the rack with you!

Arrested Citizen #3:

WT: You, sir, claim to have written a manuscrit. Will you admit it?

Citizen: Yes, of course. I did writ it.

WT: You confess that you did -- knowingly write that?

Citizen: Have you no ears? Are you death?

WT: 'Twould have been better had you written a clean manuscript. Take this man to the Iron Maiden! And prescribe for him no pain potions.

Accused Citizen #4:

WT: You have been accused by your neighbors of posting a public notice admitting to consorting with an investagator. How do you answer the charge?

Citizen: It wasn't my fault. The alligator said he was from Dean Witter.

WT: I see. And where were you when you consorted with this foul creature?

Citizen: Why, sitting on the banks of the mote dreaming of investments, sire.

WT: Our investigator finds you guilty of calling up unholy verbs and dusty nouns. Dunk this one in the moat and then send him to the gallows.

Accused Citizen #5:

WT: Madam, you are accused of lewd behavior and writing on the public house wall that you wear perfer. Will you confess and repent?

Citizen: I never wrote that! What I wrote was that I perfer a bath once a week over once a month because perfer is hard to come by.

WT: Heresy! And I would prefer that you not waste good water. A stint on the wheel may correct the error of your spelling. Next!

Disgraced Citizen #6:

WT: Sir, your good wife has accused you in a letter sent to me of being fristrating. Does she speak the truth?

Citizen: I vow that I am only fristy on Saturday nights, but I do know it fristrates her. But is it my fault that she wrote what she wrote?

WT: Cease your most frustrating sniveling and repent! Load him and his wife both onto the cart bound for the stakes.

Accused Citizen #7:

WT: You, hag, are charged with offering to notrize your neighbors' documents. What say you to this notorious charge?

Citizen: 'Tis true that I offered but they would not permit it, so where is the sin?

WT: Here is a notarized warrant, madam, for one day on the rack and two days in the Iron Maiden where you may contemplate your wrongdoing.

Accused Citizen #8:

WT: You are accused of writing an endless list of compaints to your public officials. Are you guilty or are you not?

Citizen: I want to speak to your supervisor and file a formal compaint against you.

WT: Pain you want, pain you shall have, so do not complain. Put him in the painted dungeon and leave him.

Accused Citizen #9:

WT: It is rumored that you send what you have referred to as reduntant missives to your liege lord. What say you?

Citizen: Begging your pardon, sir, but they are reduntant only because they do not heed my letters and I must keep sending them.

WT: I find your behavior redundant and order you to the rack.

Accused Citizen #10:

WT: My good woman, your husband accuses you of failing to love, honer, and obey him. Can this be true?

Citizen: He doth lie like a braying donkey!

WT: Such accusations are how you honor him? To the whipping post with you.

Accused Citizen #11:

WT: Lord Mayor of the town, the village maidens have accused you of freash behavior with them.

Citizen: Is that what they wrote, the comely freaks? Inquisition THEM!

WT: Curb your fresh tongue, sir. I shall examine the lasses at my leisure, while YOU have a thought of your immortal soul as you spend a day or two in stocks. Away with him!

7 comments:

John Pangia said...

Just went through the whole blog - Good stuff all around - We've added a link at Sid in the City

Hale McKay said...

Thank you, John. Great blog name: "Sid in the City." Will check it out.

Serena Joy said...

Thanks very much, John. I look forward to exploring your site.

Scary Monster said...

Me wants to be on the jury. Me wants to see them strapped into the ecclectic chair.

SPLOMP.

Where do you guys find the time to write all this stuff? Incedible!

Serena Joy said...

I should be strapped in, Scary. I make up this gibberish as I go, totally seat of my pants. I'm glad you like it.

SPLOMP one for me.:)

Hale McKay said...

"Strapped to the ecclectic chair" - I like that, Scary.

It takes us time to write all this stuff? No wonder I'm not accomplishing much in the other aspects of my life!

Serena Joy said...

You have a life? Where can I get one? LOL. It's still taking me waaaaay longer than you to write new stuff.