6/01/2007

A Mother's Dictionary

Avast maties! Bucky Neer has plundered some new booty. This treasure came from the coffers of Miss Cellania!

A Mothers' Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. to do the FEEDING.

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Bucky's Additions

BIB: A protective piece of cloth intended to keep food off a child's clothing that remains clean, unlike the clothes being protected.

BOX: A child's plaything that the unused toy came in.

EYE GLASSES: A dual purpose object with which an adult sees, and a plaything for an infant close enough to grab them.

NO-NO: A word of encouragement that lets a child know it's okay to knock the vase over.

NOT ME: The guilty party responsible for all spilled liquids and broken objects. Related to WHODUNIT.

PASTEURIZE: The distance a stream of pee from a boy travels while you are changing his diaper.

3 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Absolutely priceless! Miss Cellania rules.

Jack K. said...

Loved them.

Feedback--in our case it was red beets. What a mess. Tee hee

Hale McKay said...

With her resources, I'm sure Miss C.'s contributions will appear often.