5/23/2007

Redneck Church



You Know You're in a Redneck Church if....

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the OK Chorale.

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah".

17. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... all the members of a wedding party are exes of each other.

18. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... the coat racks are mounted deer heads with 18 points.

19. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... there are spittoons in the foyer.

20. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... the congregation's Sunday best clothes include new bib overalls.

4 comments:

Hale McKay said...

And what be wrong wiffin a Redneck Church? This sounds like a good God-fearing place of worship.

I can remember country churches like these with "fire & brimstone" preachers.

Hale McKay said...

Whoa! I just missed being our 3000th visitor!

Blue said...

Antoher sign you're at a redneck church, during a wedding ceremony, the preacher asks "who gives away this bride?", and a voice from the back of the room yells "EARNHARDT!"

OK OK bad nascar joke...

Serena Joy said...

Maybe, but it's still funny, Blue. LOL.