Warning! A Cautionary Tale

Winners of the 11th annual 'Wacky Warning Label Contest,' sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch. The contest is part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.

1st prize: "Danger: Avoid Death," submitted by Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, MI. This label was on a small tractor.

2nd place: "Do not iron while wearing shirt," submitted by Carrianne, Jacob, and Robby Turin of Greensburg, PA. This label was on an iron-on T-shirt transfer.

3rd place: "Do not put child in bag," submitted by Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, MA. This label was on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch.

Honorable Mention: "Caution: Safety goggles recommended," submitted by Cyndi LaMonde of Traverse City, MI. This label was on a letter opener.

All this got me to thinking and caused me to think up these warnings:

On a mirror: Warning: Images in mirror may be hallucinations.

On a lightbulb: Caution: Insert into light socket only.

On sandpaper: Do not lick.

On electric heater: Do not use in shower. Do not sit on. Do not lick.

On hot dogs: Caution - Product may be hot, let cool before eating. Product may cause burns, obesity, heartburn, cardiovascular disease, GI distress, tooth decay, allergic reaction, psychosomatic blindness, bankruptcy, psychosis, pregnancy, sterility, nightmares, domestic strife, halitosis, sibling rivalry, post-nasal drip, sore throat, choking, skin spots, heresy, broken fingernails, nausea, headache, stomachache, terrorism, paranoia, divorce, religious wars, diarrhea, vomiting, screaming fits, hemorrhoids, bunions, and/or jaundice. Do not feed to domestic or wild animals. Do not use this product while driving. Do not consume while sleeping. Do not feed to snakes while driving, sleeping, or sitting.