3/31/2008

Wisdom: ala Larry the Cable Guy

Git-R-Done!

Larry the Cable guy, nee, Daniel Lawrence Whitney, is a stand-up comedian and was a part of the "Blue Comedy Tour."
He is known for such Christmas songs like "Donny the Retard," "Titty Bars Christmas," and "I Pissed My Pants."

He uses "madder than" jokes like "Madder than a skinhead watching The Jeffersons", "Madder than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill", "Madder than a Keebler Elf gettin' demoted to fudge packer,", "Madder than a one-legged waitress at the IHOP", "Madder than a mute person playing bingo, getting bingo, and trying to yell out the word 'bingo'", "Scarier than Janet Reno coming at you in a negligee with a box of rubbers," and possibly his most famous, "Happier than a tornado in a trailer park," from his character in the film Cars.

Here are few of his witticisms:

-1. A day without sunshine is like night.

-2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

-3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

-4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

-5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

-6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

-8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

-9. Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

He also posts to his very own website.

With the recent holiday Easter just past, here are some excerpts from his site on the subject of "Peeps."

"I had to quit eating them marshmallow Peeps, when I'd wipe my ass it was like pulling taffy! You think dry-cleaning is expensive? Try gettin' your pants sand blasted! I hate them fricken Peeps! Anyways, Peeps taste like crap but they make great foot pads. Try it. Put 5 or 6 in your shoes or stick them to your feet. It's like I'm walkin' on a cloud. My grandma swears it helps her bunions."

No.135

6 comments:

Skunkfeathers said...

Larry the Peeps Bunnion guy has a worldly scents about him ;)

Bilbo said...

The line about supporting bacteria is the greatest...how true can you get?

Hale McKay said...

Skunk - Perhaps after being on his feet the Peeps tasted better? - At least to him and his grandmother?

Hale McKay said...

Bilbo,

I thought the one about the bacteria was a good one too.

Serena Joy said...

The "Larry" character irritates the crap out of me, but I have to admit that these witticisms of his made me laugh. Hard.:D

Hale McKay said...

I think I've had more than my fair share of those jars of jalapenos!