Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.
11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!
10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes Paul's E-Mail To: firstname.lastname@example.org
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.