Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you've got their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.