Fly Me

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people, we're not picking out furniture here. Find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." (Think about this one a moment!)

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Rednecks In Space

Your Captain might be a Redneck if...

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

There are tobacco stains on the side of his command chair.

You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob."

He refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters."

He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns."

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

He says "Get your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies."

He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

He says "Yea Haw! Let's Engage.

He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba."

He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster."

He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

He paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes.

He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."

He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp."

His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".

His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO, Bubba, after a meal of beans and weenies.

He sets phaser to "Cajun."

He has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables.

The warp reactor is coated in duct tape, Bondo, and Super-Glu.

He orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine.

He lights his cigarettes with his phaser.

He keeps livestock in the cargo bay.

He refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had."

He orders the ship into time warp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet.

The ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are all named after his favorite movie actresses.

(This is a reprint from a recent post at my other site, "It Occurred To Me. If you enjoyed this post, you'll like my spoof of the Star Trek Franchise titled Star Truckin': The Redneck Generation.)

No.71

The New Hire

Resimay


Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the reporter job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain ladies and all the men.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a reporter but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Barbara nikname Bambi

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
.
.
.
.



Employer's response:.....

Dear Bambi - I mean Barbara,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check. You're hired.

A Pauper's Grave

OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

On the day of viewing not many came to see him and pay their respects. No one was there as he was laid to rest in a pauper's grave. Near his plot are several unmarked graves. It is said that Justice, Integrity and Fidelity rest in them.

I for one will bow my head in reverence and respect. He will be missed.

(For a good example of why Common Sense will be missed dearly check out this post on the hazards of FLIP PHONES. )

No.70

Ponderables

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Life is sexually transmitted.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble downthe stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

School Daze

What Starts With F and Ends With K ?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

(If you liked this joke check out the jokes HERE.)

No.69

A Woman, On Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
They don't have enough time.

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don't stop to ask directions.

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Don't know ... it never happened.

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

A LICENSE TO BLOG

A few days ago with this post, Serena posted a list of some interesting license plates she had observed. That gave me the idea for this post. I decided to make a little game of it. Can you determine the occupations of the persons who sported the following license plates on their vehicles? (These are actual plates from across the country.)

This last one once belonged to a certain deceased well known person who worked at this profession. Can you guess the name of the celebrity also?


The above license plates were taken from the coffee table book, The Way Cool License Plate Book, by Leonard Wise. (Published 2002 by Firefly Books, Ltd.)

I created the above license plate images using a generator found HERE.

( The answers appear in the comments section. )

No.68

Playing Doctor

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists though t it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.

*****Is There An Idiot In the House?*****

Idiots Everywhere. Idiots to the left of me. Idiots to the right of me. Idiots in front me.

IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS...
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOTS IN THE NEWS...
Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive its self! "By drilling a hole in the drive its self, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files." No fucking kidding, idiot!

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

Sighting #6: I work in a hospital and one day the doctor and I were asking a pregnant lady some questions upon admission to the maternity ward. When we asked her who we should call in case of an emergency, she stated "911".

Sighting #7: My daughter was going over to the neighbors house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbors she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbors phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbors phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbors to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.

Sighting #8: As systems manager of an answering service a few years back I had the pleasure of working with an especially ignorant doctor. Our system was trying to fax her messages to her place of business when a message came back informing us her fax was out of paper. When I called her office and told her about this she replied, "Oh, I'm all out of bond paper. Could you fax me some?" I'm right fuckin' on it, Babe.

Sighting #9: I was in McDonalds one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a fucking hamburger to me.

Sighting #10: Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it but I couldn't find the key!"

Sighting #11: I was sitting at my University bar with some friends the other day when we overheard a man talking on his mobile phone. He was saying that he wanted to "buy, buy, buy" some shares and "sell, sell, sell" some shares. Unfortunately for him, his mobile phone actually began to ring!!! The laughter in the bar was heard for miles!! Now that's what I call an IDIOT!

Sighting #12: A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?" Oh yeah, she's a smart one.

Sighting #13: Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end "Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?"

No.67

The Redneck Sex Test

*This is a guest post contributed by one who wishes to remain Anonymous.



All answers are true or false.

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.

7. Semen is a term for sailors.

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.

23. Pornography is the business of making records.

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".

The Punny Side - The Return of the Pun

(Pun - a play on words, also called Paronomasia)

A good pun is its own reword.

At one time I had a part time job as a Security Guard. When I first tried on my uniform - a pair of very baggy pants with a loud red stripe running down the leg - I was mildly horrified. But my wife was philosophical, and said:

"It's okay, honey. You're just a victim of circus pants.

A friend of mine was having problems with her laptop. "It's driving me crazy," she said. "The A,E and I keys are sticking."
I diagnosed her problem and said:

"Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome."

Two girls were talking at the bar one night. I couldn't help but overhear their conversation. The one next to me said "Can you believe it? I still haven't got my pictures back from my vacation."
To which I leaned in her direction and said,

"Don't worry, dear. Someday your prints will come."

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused pain-killers during a root canal?

"He wanted to transcend dental medication."

When I read in the news that a man had jumped off a bridge in Paris, I thought:

"That man's in Seine."

What's with all those chicken-crossing-the-road jokes anyway?

"If you ask me, it's poultry in motion."

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you:

"A-flat minor"

Evidence has been found that legendary archer William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus, to this day we'll never now

"For whom the Tells bowled. "

Stand-up Comics' Lines

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. - ( Emo Philips )

Michael Jackson is the spokesperson for people who cut off their noses to spite their faces. - ( Dennis Miller )

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts. - ( Jeff Foxworthy )

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - ( Joan Rivers )

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice. - ( Bill Cosby )

Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - ( George Carlin )

No.66

Never Argue With a Woman

A couple was on vacation and one morning the husband returned the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out.

She motored out a short distance, anchored, put her feet up, and began to read her book. The peace and solitude were magnificent and she was enjoying her quiet reading time immensely.

And then, along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replied (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," the warden informed her.

"I'm sorry, officer," the woman protested, "but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment on your boat. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," said the Game Warden.

"That's true," she agreed, "but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," said the warden, and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

S. Crabble's Word Games

This site was created to raise the bar on words and their usage. I, Noah S. Crabble, intend to adhere to that concept.



Welcome to S. Crabble's Word Games.

I will not be disingenuous and subjugate the readers or myself to the mundane and otherwise common word. To the contrary, I will deal with those words having curious qualities and characteristics that may be unfamiliar to most. The reader, heretofore known as a student shall be, dare I say, educated.

CONSTIPATED WORDS

Constipated words, that is to say words without normal vowel movement, are those words that do not contain the standard vowels: a,e,i,o and u. There are a number of words in the English language that incorporate the letter y to serve as a vowel. Some of these words are either archaic or rarely used, but can be found in some dictionaries.

Longest English words not containing vowels:

twyndyllyngs -(12 letters) is a 15th century English spelling of twinlings, which means in modern English, twins.
~~~Other words containing none of the standard vowels include: twyndyllyng - (11 letters); symphysy - (8); gypsyfy, gypsyry, nymphly and rhythms - (7); and then there is a certain wasp, zyzzyx and an alignment of planets, syzygy both with (6) letters.
~~~The shortest one syllable word (8 letters)in the English language with 6 consecutive consonants is borschts. The longest one syllable word in the English language,strengths, contains 8 consonants.
~~~The "Holy Grail" of words for a Scrabble player is zyzzyva, a three-syllable word with 6 consecutive consonants, which is a type of weevil.

DIARRHEIC WORDS

Diarrheic words are the opposite of constipated words, in that you might say they have the runs when it comes to vowel movement. These words have few or no consonants, but more than make up for that deficiency with their displays of vowels.

Defined as the cadence in midieval music, euouae is only found in dictionaries which feature archaic or obsolete words. This word has the distinction of being both the longest word containing only vowels, but also the word containing the most consecutive vowels (6). Two common words contain 5 consecutive vowels: cooeeing and queueing.
~~~facetious with 9 letters, is the shortest common English word in which all of the vowels appear in alphabetical order. Changing the word into an adverb by adding the suffix "ly," forms an 11-letter word in which the "y" is used as a vowel; thus the complete alphabetical sequence "a-e-i-o-u-y." abstemiously, with 12 letters is the longest such word. adventitiously and sacrilegiously each have 14 letters, but the letter "i" is repeated.

SEEING DOUBLE

Let us now take a little time out for a short quiz. Can you think of at least one common word containing the following double vowels:

1) - "aa"__________
2) - "ee"__________
3) - "ii" __________
4) - "oo"__________
5) - "uu"__________

(Proper names are not allowed. My answers will appear in the comments section of this post.)
While the word bookkeeper has three consecutive sets of double letters, the lesser known subbookkeeper does it one better with four.

ALPHA_OMEGA

A common word, crabcake, and less common words such as abcaree, abchalaz, abcoulomb, and drabcloth are the only words to contain the letter sequence "abc."
~~~hydroxyzine is only word containing "xyz."

That brings us to the last lesson of the day!

SWITCH HITTERS

conservationalists and conversationalists with 18 letters are the longest non-scientific English words that are anagrams of each other.
~~~Earth (heart) and Mars (rams) are the only planets to have anagrams.
~~~Monday (dynamo) is the only day of the week with an anagram.
~~~The only months with anagrams are: March (charm), April (ripal) and May (yam).

Okay, class is dismissed. Be sure to study.

NO.65

My Candidate for President in '08

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008: Maxine!!


Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special lady who has all the answers to our problems.

PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment...

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

Here's the platform -- and very eloquently put, don't you think?


Maxine on Driver Safety: "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

Maxine on Life: "Life is like an oven. It burns my ass!"

Maxine on Housework: "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on Lawn Care: "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on The Perfect Man: "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on Technology Revolution: "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on Aging: "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

~~~~~

Maxine on This, That, and The Other: Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

If you work out too much, your belly button could fall off.

Reviews: Preview and Purview

The following can be found all over the web in one form or another. Indeed, some of it has probably appeared on this site. They are funny - even if you have seen them before.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neurone short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

No.64

What (Some) Women Really Think

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."
And they say blondes are dumb...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. "
She said - "Well, you succeeded."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea ... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A PRAYER...

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

When a Woman Says It

What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Finally it helps to have some knowledge of a woman's vocabulary...

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of M&Ms Peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a candle on a cupcake.

No.63

The Original Computer

Back in the old days, B.C. (Before Computers),

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
The net was under the tightrope walker
A crash was two vehicles colliding
A laptop was where children sat
Wireless was ham radio
Ports were places where ships docked
A tower was a building
Chips were made from potatoes
A motherboard was an apathetic mommy
Spam came in a can
Message boards were found in grocery stores and laundramats
A site was somewhere you drove to
Bytes were a good reason to visit the doctor
Connections were made by operators at switchboards
A monitor was the kid in school who always told on you

And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

...you just hoped nobody ever found out!