4/03/2007

Civil War of Words: North vs South


We received the following, compliments of SW .

A tip of the hat to the lady.*

The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.

The North has green salads; the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South, if you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store ... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don' t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Yankee's vocabulary is the adjective big ol', truck or big ol' boy. Most Yankees begin their Southern influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin," is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn' t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call ' em biscuits.

I'd like to add a thought: "If you're a Yankee and have any problem with this post, just remember that southern 10-year olds own their own shotguns!

*(By SW's own admission, this is not an original work by her, but something she posted from an e-mail.)

7 comments:

JL4 said...

Problems with this post? It's hysterical.

-JL4

Serena Joy said...

I loved this piece before, Mike, and I love it still. Why, this just touches a Southern girl's heart and makes her go all warm and fuzzy.:)

Hey, for a true story involving Southern crackshot kids with guns, Rubber Corn Dog's 04/02/2007 post is a must-read.

http://rubbercorndog.blogspot.com/

**Can anyone tell me how to properly insert a link in a comment?

Hale McKay said...

Serena, I sent you e-mail on how to do this. I tried in the comments, except blogger rejected my comments post because it read my examples as having broken html code.

Hale McKay said...

Thanks, JL4. You are too kind.

Serena Joy said...

Thanks, Mike! I appreciate the help.

G-Man said...

I'm not one for commenting on past posts, but this is dead on accurate!!!
Thanks Serena....Galen

leelee said...

this is great!!