The Queen's English

Teacher's in the house and school is in session. The Queen of Renoun is teaching remedial English today.

Queen Of Renoun: Let's examine the differences between plural, possessive, and contractions. For example, let's is the contraction of let us. An apostrophe is correctly used in a contraction.

Bobby raises hand.

QOR: Yes, Bobby?

Bobby: Then why did you take points off for the word get's on my last paper?

QOR: Because gets is not a contraction unless your name is Get and you're talking about something that belongs to you. In every other instance known to man, get's is wrong. Which reminds me of that whole it's thing. It's is not a possessive. It's is the contraction of it is. The possessive form of it is its.

Becky: Are you sure? Because its news to me.

QOR: I am quite sure that it is. It's correct.

Becky: How can you be so sure?

QOR: Because I'm the teacher and you're not.

Becky: That's not what my BlackBerry says.

QOR: Hand it over, young lady. It's not only incorrect but you're not to have such contraband in class.

Becky: But -- but that cost a lot of money!

QOR: Then it's a good thing its owner has good insurance. Listen up, children. Here's the rule: One can have as many books, pages, CDs, treasures, lovers, etc., as one wants. One cannot have book's, page's, CD's, treasure's, or lover's. The addition of an apostrophe turns the word into the possessive, not the plural. Got it? Good!

Billy: I was never sure of the rule before, Queen Renoun. Kudo's!

QOR: Kudos to everyone who gives kudos, knows when and how to use it, and ... how to spell it. That's not you, Billy. See me after class for extra homework.

The Principal who walked in and observed that last exchange: Good for you, hun. Hard work is the only way they'll learn.

QOR: Sir, Hon is short for honey, while Hun is a person of Teutonic descent. Sit down and start taking notes. I'll assign your homework after class, too. And don't even think about calling me honey.

Betsy, flailing about and waving both arms in the air: Teacher, quick, I need a Kleenex!

QOR: What on earth is wrong with you, child?

Betsy: My nose! It's bleeding and I need something to staunch it.

QOR: I am a staunch supporter of stopping nosebleeds, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you extra vocabulary lists after we stanch the bleeding.

Bucky: Don't look now, teacher, but here comes the Calvary! New student teachers!

QOR: And you're going to what, Bucky? Crucify them?

Bucky: Huh?

QOR: Fresh troops comprise the cavalry, son. Calvary's a Biblical place to which they're not going to want to go with you.

Bonnie: I don't think you ought to taut him, Queen Renoun.

QOR: Indeed?! Perhaps I should taunt you instead to relieve some pressure on my taut nerves.

Becky: Look out, Queen Renoun, Billy just threw the eraser and it's coming at you. Faint to your left! No, right -- faint to your right!

QOR: You faint, I'll feint. Class dismissed!