5/01/2007

Righting It Write

Professor Noah S. Crabble here.

It has come to my attention that an inordinate number of Bloggers fancy themselves, ahem, as writers. My advice is that you stick to the more appropriate epithet of 'bloggers.' Let those who read your grandiose literary attempts decide whether or not you are a writer.

I suggest you read the accounts of one such 'writer' in the correspondence sent to a publisher and chronicled in a series of articles titled "Dear Twit." These can be found at the site of one of my associates here at Verbicidal Tendencies, Serena Joy.
In the meantime, I suggest that these so-called writers study the following helpful hints to perfect their writing skills.

Rules for Better Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

No.24

4 comments:

Serena Joy said...

I like this professor. I probably couldn't pass his class because I think I know which publisher he works for. LOL.

Jack K. said...

Bravo, Professor, bravo.

Hale McKay said...

I do believe S. Crabble would give you an A+ just for showinp, SJ.

Thanks, Jack. Who knows when and if S. Crabble makes another appearance.

Serena Joy said...

Woo-hoo, an A+? I'll take it.