6/26/2007

Redneck Doctrine


The Redneck Dictionary Of Medical Terms

Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
Coronary - A place where they crown kings and queens.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live long.
Doctrine - What a doctor gets paid to do.
Enema - Not a friend.
ER - A popular television program.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.
Genital - Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series - World series of military baseball.
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
I.V. - Plant that grows on walls.
Labor pain - Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff - A doctor's cane.
Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - I Knew it.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Placebo - A toy gazebo for dolls.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Prescription - Paying in advance for a year of magazines.
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
Rectum - Damn near killed him.
Scapula - Kitchen tool for flipping eggs.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - Roman emperor.
Surgeon - A fish that lays caviar.
Tablet - A small table.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor - More than one.
Urine - Opposite of you're out.
Varicose - Near by/close by.

Appalachian HMOs

10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Some Redneck FAQs

How do you know when you're staying in a Georgia hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.....

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Georgia?...A documentary. What do they call it in Arkansas?..."Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

No.39

4 comments:

Serena Joy said...

ROTFLMAO! I love your Redneck stuff, and this one had me howling.

Hale McKay said...

LOL! The Redneck stuff is fun to write and put together.

Check out my "tribute" to old women in "A Tale of Two Biddies."

Serena Joy said...

Will do.:)

Queenie said...

Just what I needed before I go in hospital, thanks!!!!!!!!
Found it really funny.