Perverting Shakespeare

Shakespeare...



Once upon a time, I asked the readers of my "other" blog to pick a Shakespearean passage and bastardize it by transposing it into modern vernacular. The results were delightfully witty, fresh, and funny.

OLD: O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

NEW: Yo, girlfriend, you can't blame
Your freaky mood swings on the moon.
You are schizo. Capiche?

OLD: Was ever book containing such vile matter
So fairly bound? O, that deceit should dwell
In such a gorgeous palace!

NEW: Have you ever seen such unedited swill printed
On cheap paper with curling cover
As a PublishAmerica book?

OLD: Come, night; come, Romeo; come, thou day in night.

NEW: Oh, Romeo, come here, baby -- want to fool around all night long?

cathy said...
OLD: "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings."
--From Julius Caesar (I, ii, 140-141)

NEW: Horoscopes are for dopes.
If you ain't cruisin'You is losin'!

Top cat said...
OLD: "Now is the winter of our discontent."
- from King Richard

NEW: Dude, I'm totally bummed.

Charles said...
OLD: To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
- Hamlet

NEW: Do the dead dream? Find out.

OLD: "Was ever book containing such vile matter
So fairly bound? O, that deceit should dwell
In such a gorgeous palace!"

NEW: You're pretty, but you're a bitch.

G-Man said...
OLD: "Out, Out damned spot..."
- Macbeth

NEW: "Fuck! Only Lava with 'real pumice' can clean this shit off."

Lee said...
Romeo! Romeo! Where the F#$%K are you?

ThatGreenyFlower said...
OLD: From The Tempest:

"Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
Sea-nymphs hourly ring his knell: Ding-dong.
Hark! now I hear them - ding-dong, bell."

NEW: Dude, your dad is dead. But don't worry--he's pushing up pretty flowers now.
...Hey, do you hear something?

Seeley deBorn said...
OLD: "If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend: if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."

NEW: "Did you like the acid?"

MONA said...
OLD: "O Romeo Romeo! Where art thou Romeo!"

NEW: GET YOUR FRIGGING ASS HERE AT ONCE!!!!"

OLD: "Age cannot wither her nor custom stale her infinite variety!"

NEW: "She is a mummy in King Tut's pyramids."

OLD: "There's the smell of blood again! All the perfumes from Arabia have not been able to cure it."
[Macbeth]

NEW: "Those bloody barbarians produce such cheap stuff in Arabia!!"

OLD: "Frailty, Thy name is woman."
[Hamlet]

NEW: "Once upon a time they used the term 'frailty' instead of the word 'woman'."

OLD: "...to be or not to be, that is the question."

NEW: "Is it right to use the verb 'to be' in this context?"

Scary Monster said...
OLD: "But, for my own part, it was Greek to me".
- Julius Caesar Quote (Act I, Scene II)

NEW: Yo! Me was in the lock up. It were the only lovin Me could get.

OLD: "Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't."
- Hamlet quote (Act II, Scene II)

NEW: It's crazy, but it just might work!

OLD: "How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes!"
- As You Like It ( Quote Act V, Sc. II)

NEW: Did you see the final episode of The Apprentice? Sheeet. Me could have done a better job than that!

OLD: "Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
- The Tempest. Act i. Scene. 2

NEW: Hey, they found Jimmy Hoffa in the Brooklyn sound. He were wearing a cement overcoat. You can bet they're gonna make a movie about this.

tfg said...
"Draw thy tool."
--Romeo and Juliet.

Diesel said...
Here's another one that needs no updating:

"Better well hung than ill wed."

Hale McKay said...
I think I will not so much rewrite Shakespeare's quotes, but translate them.

OLD: Hamlet (Act III, Scene II)
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

NEW: ~~~Nag, nag, nag.

OLD: Romeo And Juliet (Act II, Scene II)
Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.
NEW: ~~~Not tonight. I have a headache.

OLD: The Merry Wives of Windsor (Act II, Scene II)
This is the short and the long of it.

NEW: ~~~Size does matter.

OLD: The Merry Wives of Windsor (Act II, Scene I)
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is.

NEW: ~~~Who the f**k are you?

OLD: Julius Caesar (Act II, Scene I)
A dish fit for the gods.

NEW: ~~~Leftovers again?

OLD: Anthony and Cleopatra (Act I, Scene V)
My salad days, when I was green in judgement.

NEW: ~~~I'd kill for a nice juicy steak.

OLD: Taming of the Shrew (Act III, Scene IV)
Out of the jaws of death.

NEW: ~~~We gotta get a bigger boat.

OLD: The Passionate Pilgrim (No.14)
Have you not heard it said oft,
A woman's nay doth stand for naught?

NEW: ~~~Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes.

OLD: Cymbeline (2.5)
I thought her as chaste as unsunned snow.

NEW: ~~~She's frigid.

OLD: Cymbeline (4.2)
Hang there like fruit, my soul,
Till the tree die.

NEW: ~~~It's time to get Viagara.

Corn Dog said...
OLD: "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time."
- Act V, Scene V, Tragedy of Macbeth

NEW: My watch needs a new battery.