Those Golden But Moldy Oldies

They call them oldies for a reason. What follows is a list of songs updated to reflect the trials and tribulations of the geriatric set. If you are a Baby Boomer or older, you' ll want to snap your fingers (if your arthritis permits) and tap your foot (if your gout permits).

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Now for your listening pleasure - turn up your hearing aids -

Disc One

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash
Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times (on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall)
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Supremes -- Falling In and Out of Bed
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

I wouldn't have mixed one disc unless I had the full intentions of making up some more hits to add to the list. Without further adieu, here are my additions:

Disc Two

James Brown - Papas Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag
Shangri-las - Walkers in the Sand
Leslie Gore - It's My Potty (and I'll Try If I Want To)
David Houston - Almost Constipated
Dave Clark 5 - Catscan Us If You Can
Bob Dylan - Like A Kidney Stone
Supremes - Nothing But Heartburn
Lenny Welch - Since I Fell On You
Amboy Dukes - Gerney To the Center of the Ward
O.C. Smith- Little Green Tablets
The Tokens - The Loins Seep Tonight
Ray Charles - Take These IVs From My Arm
Tommy James - Moaning, Moaning
Glen Campbell - By The Time I Get To Pee
Hermans Hermits - There's a Kind of Mush (All Over My Shirt)
BJ Thomas - Slipped on a Peeling
Neil Sedaka - Breaking Up Pills Is Hard To Do
Lonnie Donegan - Does Your Dentures Lose Their Flavor In the Cup Overnight?

For your pleasure and a chance to sing along, here is one more with the complete lyrics:

Corn In My Stool

(To the tune of Born To Be Wild)
With apologies to Steppenwolf

Get your bowels a movin'
Head on out to the bathroom,
Lookin' for some relief
And whatever comes out soon.
Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take the tissue in a love embrace
Fire all your guns at once
And explode all over the place.
It's like smoke and lightning
Heavy fartin' thunder
Tryin' to stay upwind
From that feelin' down under.
Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take the tissue in a love embrace
Fire all your guns at once
And explode all over the place.
Like prune juice was mild
Yes, there's corn, corn in my stool
We can crap so high
And wish we could die.
Corn in my stool
Corn in my stool.

This post has been published with the sincerest apologies to ASCAP and anyone who wasted their time reading it.

(Schlep Schlidin' Away)

No.54