You know, sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can’t even get into my own pants.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative!
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. So I said, “Implants?”
I don’t do drugs any more because I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world. But it’s okay, they know me here.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected!
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades – now, THAT’S a message!
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
I married my husband for his looks … but not the ones he’s been giving me lately.
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”