Thoughts For the Day

You know, sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can’t even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative!

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. So I said, “Implants?”

I don’t do drugs any more because I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I have my own little world. But it’s okay, they know me here.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected!

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades – now, THAT’S a message!

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

I married my husband for his looks … but not the ones he’s been giving me lately.

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”