Bubba Claus

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so you'll want to have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of lending him a couple of my reindeer once, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw." And you are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat."

6. Bubba Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back bearing the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus.

And finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If you, your spouse and/or your children happen to catch him when he arrives at your house, you'll want to make sure to face the opposite direction when he bends over to put presents under your tree.