12/20/2007

The First Newspaper

(At recent dig archaeologists uncover a well preserved copy of an ancient newspaper. Believed to be the first ever circular, translators have discovered that the lead story chronicles the birth of Jesus Christ. We, the staff of Verbicidal Tendencies, are honored to the exclusive rights to reproduce the biggest scoop of all time.)

Bethlehem Star

Year 0, Day 1

Tonight’s Weather: Calm and bright


Still Only 2 Shekels
_______________________________________

"Stable Boy" Born

Special To The Star – Bethlehem officials refused comment, but 3 men on camels said DYFS took custody of an infant born in a barn. The terrible conditions found are the basis for a hearing on whether the parents are guilty of child abuse. One of the men, Gaspar, was arrested when police found he had 50 g. of frankincense wrapped as a gift. He is being charged with intent to distribute.

In a related story, a boy, ox and lamb were arrested for disturbing the peace after guests of a nearby inn complained about incessant drumming. Police held the boy and his drum as evidence. The ox and lamb were released after it was determined they were only keeping time.

Paternity Questioned

The story surrounding "Stable Boy" got more confusing late yesterday when Joseph produced documentation he had undergone a vasectomy 2 years ago and accused his wife of having an affair. Mary, the mother of "Stable Boy", refused to provide any explanation and is now at the Bethlehem Home for Unwed Mothers.

Officials Warn of Upcoming Y0K

The changes necessary because of the birth of "Stable Boy" will likely cost more than 2.3 million shekels, according to authorities. The stone masons are receiving much of the blame for not planning ahead. The problem arises because, in an effort to conserve space on tablets, masons would not include "BC" in any date fields. Now it will be necessary to include the letters to differentiate between 1 BC and 1 AD.

Inn Keeper Accused of Bias

Bethlehem Housing & Urban Development has accused the manager of the Bethlehem Holiday Inn of discrimination when he told a couple there was no room at the inn. Apparently the woman was pregnant (see related story above) and was with her carpenter husband on the trip to pay their taxes. They even refused to validate the parking of the burro. BHUD says the hotel does not serve Christians.

White Sales Bring In Profits

Local stores are hoping for big profits from upcoming sales. Bethlehem is at its busiest this time of year with taxes due and the light show scheduled for Dec 25. The show by Gucci Brothers of Sodom will be visible as far away as the Orient. Prior to the light show, "The Herald Angels" will sing.

Some real bargains can be found throughout the city. Culinary shop, "The Salt Cellar", owned by Mrs. Lot, is offering daily specials as is "Moor Pottery & Ceramics".

No.100

1 comment:

Serena Joy said...

Those headlines and news stories sound just about right. LOL!