4/15/2008

Happy Taxgiving Day!


Mittens the cat likes to think she is a tax expert. As you can see, she thinks nothing of getting smack in the middle of all those formidable forms. The fact that she hits the catnip first is of no consequence.

Mittens, like most humans, wonders what kind of stuff the designers of all those tax forms have been snorting. She would like to place an order for some.

It took some exhaustive research, with Mittens monitoring the web search, but we managed to find out how the Federal and State Tax Services go about hiring those responsible for the design of all the tax forms. They have to take an examination!

For your information, here is a stolen copy of that exam.



Qualifying Examination

Income Tax Form Designer


Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit is four hours.

1. HISTORY

Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.

2. MEDICINE

You will be provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You will have fifteen minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING

2500 riot-crazed aborigines will be turned loose in the classroom with you. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on our next election. Show who would have been our next President and why.

5. MUSIC

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the political stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a full-scale experiment to test your theory.

8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE

Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare all software necessary to program this algorithm on whatever computer may be selected by the examiner.

9. ENGINEERING

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle will be placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

10. ECONOMICS

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan on the wave theory of light and on the overcrowding of citizens band radio channels.

11. POLITICAL SCIENCE

Pick up the phone on the desk beside you and start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

12. EPISTEMOLOGY

Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity of your position.

13. PHYSICS

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.

14. PHILOSOPHY

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of other kinds of thought.

15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective and specific.

16. EXTRA CREDIT

Define the universe. Give three examples.



Drive Safely. Uncle Sam needs all the tax payers he can get.

No.139

3 comments:

Skunkfeathers said...

I could pass that test, long as the curve grading was HUGE. But then I'd have not just scammers hating me, but EVERYONE, 'cuz I'd be a guvment bureaucrap ;)

Serena Joy said...

My hat is off to Skunk, because I could NEVER pass that test, regardless of the curve. I've never seen a tax examiner who could pass it, either -- which explains what's wrong with our tax system. Mittens has the right attitude.:)

Hale McKay said...

Anyone who could pass that test - the last thing they'd want to do would be to design tax forms.

More than likely, they would be working on loop holes in our tax systems.