5/01/2008

A Cat's Diary

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A cat owner found this hidden under the sofa along with Kitty's stash of squeaky toys and shredded, unidentifiable "stuff."

DAY 652 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant!

DAY 655 -- My captors have now obtained a "fish tank" which serves to make up for part of my loss in the food department. While the little creatures are tiny, they are quite tasty. They have yet to replace the two small fish I have consumed. I must think of a way to make them notice the loss.

DAY 661 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed later!

DAY 662 -- I slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night!

DAY 665 -- I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm... not working according to plan.

DAY 688 -- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 690 -- Today there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 699 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

3 comments:

Hale McKay said...

NO doubt about it - the person responsible for this piece is truly a cat owner.

Skunkfeathers said...

Confirmation of my option for the pet rock ;)

Serena Joy said...

I don't have a cat, Mike, but Kitty's diary pretty well confirms what I've always suspected about the sneaky little things.:-)

LOL, Skunk. The rock wouldn't be as much of a challenge, though.:)