Sensitivity Training

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A memo regarding proper business language was sent down from on top at a large corporation which shall remain nameless.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some employees have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Because of a large number of complaints from employees who are offended by this "street language" in the work place, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. If you will be so adversely affected that your ability to communicate will be impacted, please stop by Human Resources and pick up an enrollment form for English classes being offered at the community college.

We are cognizant of the occasional necessity of wishing to express oneself to and around co-workers utilizing certain segments of the vernacular. We believe, however, that you can clean it up.

We, therefore, provide for your convenience a list of suggested phrases which will serve just as well as 4-letter invectives to facilitate the exchange of ideas and information. We believe that use of these templates will ensure that communications among the work force can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I believe you could use a little more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*** you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm reasonably certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f***ing way!

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Go tell someone who gives a shit.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f***ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f***?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*** it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,
Your Kinder, Gentler Human Resources Team


Jack K. said...

Loved the sensitivity advice.

SJ, I am having difficulty with your Parenthetically Speaking site. The following link could not be found.

Apparently your neoworx counter is giving your site problems. The link is the activity that causes problem. It will take you to a page-not-found page.

I can read and comment with Safari, but Firefox has problems.

Just thought you would like to know.

Serena Joy said...

Jack, I'm sorry about the problem you're having accessing PS. I switch back and forth between IE and Firefox and haven't experienced this myself. I'll take a look and see if there's anything I can do to fix it.

Glad you enjoyed the sensitivity tutorial.:)

Hale McKay said...

Jack, I too use Firefox aqnd sometimes IE and have not had problems at Serena's site.

Hale McKay said...

Man, if they'd have put something like this in effect when I worked in an office environment - that place would have been one DULL place.

...And this post didn't even touch on the innuendos.........

Serena Joy said...

Boy, my office sure isn't dull. Some days, the memomongers would positively freak.:)