A memo regarding proper business language was sent down from on top at a large corporation which shall remain nameless.
It has been brought to management's attention that some employees have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Because of a large number of complaints from employees who are offended by this "street language" in the work place, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. If you will be so adversely affected that your ability to communicate will be impacted, please stop by Human Resources and pick up an enrollment form for English classes being offered at the community college.
We are cognizant of the occasional necessity of wishing to express oneself to and around co-workers utilizing certain segments of the vernacular. We believe, however, that you can clean it up.
We, therefore, provide for your convenience a list of suggested phrases which will serve just as well as 4-letter invectives to facilitate the exchange of ideas and information. We believe that use of these templates will ensure that communications among the work force can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I believe you could use a little more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*** you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm reasonably certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f***ing way!
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Go tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f***ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f***?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*** it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Your Kinder, Gentler Human Resources Team