Marx the Spot

The humor of the Marx Brothers may seem dated to some, but I find many of their quotes funny to this day.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

-Groucho Marx

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."


Chico- Can he live in NY on $3?
Groucho- Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince.

-Groucho, Chico Marx in "A Night at the Opera

Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "Ha! You can't a fool a me; there ain't no sanity clause."

-Groucho & Chico in A Night at the Opera

"I'm in a hurry; step on it! If you can't get gas, get ethyl. If you can't get ethyl, get Maybelle. Now step on it!"

-Groucho to his driver in "Duck Soup"

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

-Groucho, "Duck Soup"

"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"

-Groucho, "Animal Crackers"

Groucho, to two other women: "Let's all get married!"

Woman: "Why, that's bigamy!"

Groucho: "Why yes, that's big of me, too ... One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody! Not even your grandfather!"

-Groucho, "Animal Crackers"

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.
Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks.
You try it some time. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about."

-Groucho, "Animal Crackers"

"I could dance with you til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows til you got home."

-Groucho, "Duck Soup"

"Have we got a college? Have we got a football team?....Well we can't afford both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college."

-Groucho, "Horse Feathers"

Chico: "The garbage man is here."

Groucho: "Well, tell him we don't want any."



Jack K. said...

Groucho always had a way with words.

I agree, they are still funny. Those who may not find them amusing, don't have enough life experience.

Skunkfeathers said...

A few more:

"I'm going home to clean the crackers out of my bed. I'm expecting company". -- Groucho

"You know, you haven't stopped talking since I got here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle". -- Groucho

"My dear Mr. Hammer: I shall not get married before my daughter!"
Groucho (as Mr. Hammer): "You did once".

"I'm going to join a club and beat you over the head with it". -- Groucho

"I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Ah, I can see you now, you and the moon...you wear a necktie, so I'll know you". -- Groucho

Hale McKay said...


Some great additions!

Hale McKay said...


True, so true. His quotes are still funny and work today.

Serena Joy said...

You bet they're still funny.:)