Revamping English

The following was posted by Hoss. I don't know if it is his original work, but it is very clever and is certainly good fodder for Verbicidal Tendencies.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would make the new language to become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". This will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which has always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasfl and it should go away. The "a" in words speled with "ea" will be dropd; we ned not fer it.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z", and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and "eo", and so after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a unitd urop vil finali kum tru. Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German, like zey vuntd in ze first plas.

If zis mad yu smil, ples pas on to oza pepl.