The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Give pizza chants.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
I have the body of a god... Buddha!
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.