Thinkin' Sure Do Hurt

Cletus done got hisself a headache. Ya reckon the ol' boy wuz a thinkin' again?

I was an only child, eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a pain to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Sponges grow in the ocean ... I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

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