The World According to Cletus

Cletus' Redneck Dictionary

Alarm System - The dog
Feedback - Vomit
Formal Wear - Bib Overalls and shoes
Honeymoon - A night usually followed by a wedding
Jeet Yet - Did you eat yet?
Limousine - Pickup truck with extend-cab
Lingerie - A clean flannel shirt
Planter - An old bathtub
Polygon - Left bird cage open
Shotgun - Best Man at a Redneck wedding
Sunblock - A baseball cap
Tuxedo - Bib Overalls, white shirt and a tie

The World According To Cletus

If electricity comes from electrons, then morons must come from morality.

Therapy is expensive, beer is cheap.

Regrettably all the good jobs start before I get up.

There's a place for all God's creatures - next to the taters and gravy.

Damn right I'm good in bed. I can sleep for days.

My Giveadamner is broken.

Far: the main ingredient for good bbq chicken.

5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.

My anger management class pisses me off!

I love my work...That's why I'm saving so much of it for tomorrow.

Vegetarian is an old Indian word for bad hunter.

No.88

Thinkin' Sure Do Hurt

Cletus done got hisself a headache. Ya reckon the ol' boy wuz a thinkin' again?

I was an only child, eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a pain to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Sponges grow in the ocean ... I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

No.74

It Still Hurts When I'm Thinking

Yup. Cletus Clyde here and I'm back. Tarnation, wouldn't you know it, every time I get to thinkin' about stuff, I gets a God-awful pain in my noggin'. I done told the farmercist 'bout it. He told me to stop thinkin' so much. So you prolly be a-wonderin' Why ask Why?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why do noses run and feet smell?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

My ol' Pappy done die write up about this subject too. If you lacked mine, you might have the gumption to see what he says about getting headaches when he's a thunkin'. Check it out over yonder by a-clickin' that mouse-thingy right cheer.

No.52

Cletus Clyde's Redneck Computer Terms

Hi y'all! I'm Cletus Clyde and you're not! (Hyuk-hyuk!) I reckons that since I knows bushels full of knowledge 'bout computers and such, I shud up and learns y'all some of it. 'Tain't none too fair that I shud knows it and not nary a one of y'all.
....I figures that the best place to start is at the beginnin' and not at the end, coz then the lesson wud be over. At the beginnin' of any lesson is the terms and what in tarnation they mean.
....Since most of y'all cain't read none too fast like, I'm gonna type them real slow like, so's y'all can keep up.

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DEGAUSS - To siphon gas.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
GAMEROOM - A pool hall.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
HARD DRIVE - What a truck is with no gas.
HARDWARE - Store what sells tools.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
JAVASCRIPT - Writin' on a coffee can.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
LOG ON - What you need to keep fire goin'.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MICROCHIPS - Crumbs left in bottom of the bag.
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
MS DOS - Mr. Dos' daughter.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
PORN - Rainin' real hard.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SOFTWARE - Clean underwear.
SPELL CHECKER - A book with a lot of words in it.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.

No.47

Cletus Clyde's Science Test

Howdy! Cletus Clyde here. I decided I want to be a Scientist. So I up and took this here Science test. I think I done purty darn good. What do think? Am I the next Steven Hawking or what?


1. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
2. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
3. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
4. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
5. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
6. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
7. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
8. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know that you're talking about.
9. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
10. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
11. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
12. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
13. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
14. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
15. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
16. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
17. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
18. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
19. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
20. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
21. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
22. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
23. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
24. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
25. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
26. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
27. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
28. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
29. When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Maw and Paw think that since I'm goin' to be a Scientist and all, I should try "Nuculear Physics." But I decided I didn't want to go drinkin' no radioactive prune juice.

No.40

You Know You're Trailer Trash

According to Cletus:

You Know You're Trailer Trash When.......

1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3.---You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.

5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."

8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.

10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."

12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

No.31

Blog Jeopardy

This is Blog Jeopardy!....Our returning Champion, with a one day total of $1, is Cletus Clyde. To face him is Steven Hawking and George W. Bush.....And the host of Jeopardy ... Alex Trebeck.....

"Good evening folks. There is one Daily Double hidden among the answers in these categories. ....Quantum Physics ... World Leaders ... Rock Music ...The White House ... Rednecks ... and finally ... "Shh". Note the quotations ... all your questions must contain he letters SH.
....As the returning champion Cletus you will lead us off."

Cletus: Thanks, Alex. White House for $100.
Alex: In this room, decisions are made that affect the entire world. George Bush, you rang in first.
George: Alex, What is the Oval Office?
Alex: No. Sorry, George. Yes, Steven Hawking?
Steven: What .. is .. the .. Black Hole?
Alex: No, Steven. Cletus?
Cletus: Uh , where is the bathroom?
Alex: That is right for $100. Pick another answer.
Cletus: Huh? No really, Alex. Where is the bathroom? I have to take a sh.... I musta et a hundred of dem es-car-gots!
Alex: Okay, "Shh" it is for $100. This Civil War general had a U.S. Army tank named after him.
Cletus: Darn it. I clicked in by mistake. Well, who is ... uh ... not sure, man ...
Alex: Correct for another $100. In WWII, the Sherman Tank was put into service on the European front lines. Pick again, Cletus.
Cletus: I'll think I'll try something easier. Uh, Quantum Physics for a hunnerd, Alex. I could use one 'bout now.
Alex: These cosmic forces are theorized to hold the Universe in place. Yes, Steven.
Steven: Alex .. what .. is .. gravity?
Alex: Oh, no. That is not correct Steven. George?
George: (Picking at lapel) What are these threads?
Alex: Right you are, George. Cosmic threads are invisible strands said to prevent the universe from drifting apart.
George: Let me try World Leaders for $500, Alex.
Alex: The death of this PLO leader has caused uncertainty in peace negotiations between Israel and Lebanon.
George: Ooh ooh! I know this one. Now don't tell me. Who is ... it's there on the tip of my tongue ... yes sir ...
Alex: Yassar Arafat is correct for $500. That puts you in the lead, George.

"Gentlemen, set down your clickers while we get a few messages from our sponsors."

This program is brought to you in part by the makers of Cialis, who wish to remind you that if erections persist for more than four hours, take a ride to the girls dormitory at the college nearest you. If this condition does not occur, try doubling the doses.

Alex: Welcome back to you viewers in the home audience. We have George Bush leading with $500. Our champion Cletus has $200. Steven Hawking has yet to get on the plus side at minus $200.
....Let's take a moment to meet our contestants. George, it says here that you consider yourself a powerful man. How so?
George: Well, Alex, I am the President of the United States. In my own high school yearbook, just yesterday, I wrote: "Most likely to succeed."
Alex: Interesting. Moving right along to Steven hawking. Steve, besides talking funny, where did you get that funky set of wheels?
Steve: Alex .. thank you .. for .. inviting .. me .. to this .. years .. convention .. on Pulsars .. and Qasars.
Alex: Uh, Steven .. this is Jeopardy. Anyway it says here that the same engineer who designed Pee Wee Herman's bicycle also created your wheel chair.
....Moving right along to our returning champion, Cletus Clyde.
Cletus, it says here that you are the reigning hog calling champion of Arkansas.
Cletus: It does? I didn't heared it say that.
Alex: No, no. It's written down here on my notes.
Cletus: Whee doggies! You can talk writin', Alex? I'm sure wishin' I could do that.
Alex: Right.

"Before the break George had the last correct answer and will start us off. "

George: Something I know a little about, give me Rednecks for $200.
Alex: One of many sounds that can be heard here is .. 'Soo-ee!' George, you rang in first.
George: Alex, I've been both a suer and a suee. What is a trial?
Alex: Sorry, George. That is not correct. Yes, Steven?
Steven: Alex .. what .. is a .. Black Hole?
Alex: Uh, no. Ah, Cletus?
Cletus: Seein' as I am a champeen hog caller ... What is hog calling, Alex?
Alex: No .. I was afraid that was going to be your response. The correct question is: What is ordering Chinese food? You know, chop suey!

The frenetic pace of the game continued in Jeopardy and through the much tougher Double Jeopardy.

Alex: I hope you folks at home have been enjoying this match tonight. Now it all comes down to Final Jeopardy. A look at the players scores shows that Steven Hawking has made a huge comeback to take the lead with $10,000. George has made a fine showing with $7500. Cletus, our defending champion, had some trouble with a Daily Double but qualifies to compete in Final Jeopardy with $1.

Gentlemen, and you too, George, place your wagers on this Final Jeopardy answer, and remember to phrase it in the form of a question. ....The category is ... Hit Songs of the 60's. We'll be right back folks to see how our contestants do after these messages.

Remember folks, for a healthy dog remember Mail Chow. It's the only dog food out there that tastes just like Mailmen.

Alex: Okay, our contestants wagers are locked in. Let's see how they do with this answer. This person can be heard leading the Mysterians singing "96 Tears."

The familiar Jeopardy theme plays as the contestants strain their minds to come up with the correct question.

Alex: Gentleman, put down your pens.

Cletus, we will begin with you.
(On his board is written:) "What is ?"
Right you are. Question Mark and the Mysterians. How much did you wager, Cletus. Nothing! You will remain at $1.

George? Blank - couldn't think of anything, eh? And how much did you wager? Ooh .. all $7500. That leaves you with nothing.

Now let us see what Steven Hawking wrote down. Oh my. Blank also. And your wager, Steven? All $10000!

....Cletus you will remain Jeopardy champion! You now have a two-day total of $2 and will return tomorrow to defend your title.

Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to tine in tomorrow to see if Cletus can defend his title against two new contestants. Until then, good night.

No.17