11/30/2007

Winning Friends and Influencing People


HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

~Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
~In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
~Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
~Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
~Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
~Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
~Practice making fax and modem noises.
~Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
~Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
~Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
~Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
~Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
~Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
~Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
~Staple pages in the middle of the page.
~Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
~Honk and wave to strangers.
~Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
~TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
~type only in lowercase.
~dont use any punctuation either
~Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
~Repeat the following conversation a dozen times."DO YOU HEAR THAT?""What?""Never mind, it's gone now."
~As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
~Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
~Ask people what gender they are.
~While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
~Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
~Sing along at the opera.
~Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
~Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

No.93

3 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Yay! Lessons to live by. Well, sometimes, for some very "special" people.:-)

Hale McKay said...

I've known a lot of people and situations where these "rules" would have been apropos.

Serena Joy said...

You and me both.:-)