For today's post I thought I'd run the gamut from Court Room Justice to a little R-rated humor. Enjoy.
In Florida, (of all places) an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case dismissed!”
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists 'holiday!'”
The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?”
The judge said, “Well Sir, it comes every year on exactly the same date - April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get the HELL out of my courtroom!”
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed and says,
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver so you willa always remember me."
The grandson smiles weakly and replies;
"But grandpa, I really Doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your ROLEX watch instead?"
Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice;
"Shuddup an lissin! Somma day you gonna runna DA business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos."
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues;
Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whad DA you gonna do then... Pointa to you watch and say "Times up?"
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.
"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty!"
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite"
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am
sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back".
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner. "
The teacher fainted.
A man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit
of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd saysomebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".