How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?
I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?
Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you "really" love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now.
I have something to tell you. = Get tested.
I'll give you a call. = I would rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.I've learned a lot from you. = Next!
"Can I help with dinner?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Translation: I have no idea how it works.
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Translation: The batteries in the remote are dead.
"We're going to be late."
Translation: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.
"Take a break, honey. You're working too hard."
Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
'That's interesting, dear."
Translation: Are you still talking?
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Translation: I forgot our anniversary again.